diff --git a/COPYING b/COPYING new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1bf03d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/COPYING @@ -0,0 +1,302 @@ +I believe that the following copyrights and licence terms apply to the +games distributed in bsd-games and bsd-games-non-free. (The copyright +years given below are those that appear on any of the files so +licensed.) + +Most games are under the standard BSD terms: + + Copyright (c) 1980, 1982, 1983, 1985-1994 + The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software + must display the following acknowledgement: + This product includes software developed by the University of + California, Berkeley and its contributors. + 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors + may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software + without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND + ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE + IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE + ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE + FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL + DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS + OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) + HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT + LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + SUCH DAMAGE. + +The files `backgammon/backgammon/backlocal.h', `countmail/countmail' +and `robots/auto.c' have a similar licence, but copyright is held by +the NetBSD Foundation: + + Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc. + All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software + must display the following acknowledgement: + This product includes software developed by the NetBSD + Foundation, Inc. and its contributors. + 4. Neither the name of The NetBSD Foundation nor the names of its + contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived + from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS + ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED + TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR + PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS + BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR + CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF + SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS + INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN + CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) + ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE + POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. + +In the case of `adventure/extern.h' the copyright is held by Christos +Zoulas: + + Copyright (c) 1997 Christos Zoulas. All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software + must display the following acknowledgement: + This product includes software developed by Christos Zoulas. + 4. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products + derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT + NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, + DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY + THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT + (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF + THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. + +In the case of `countmail/countmail.6' the copyright is held by +Matthew R. Green: + + Copyright (c) 1997 Matthew R. Green + All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products + derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, + BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; + LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED + AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, + OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + SUCH DAMAGE. + +In the case of `wargames/wargames.6', the copyright is held by Joey +Hess: + + Copyright (c) 1998 Joey Hess + All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products + derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, + BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; + LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED + AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, + OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + SUCH DAMAGE. + +The game `atc' bears additional notices in the name of Ed James: + + Copyright (c) 1987 by Ed James, UC Berkeley. All rights reserved. + + Copy permission is hereby granted provided that this notice is + retained on all partial or complete copies. + + For more info on this and all of my stuff, mail edjames@berkeley.edu. + +The game `boggle' used to bear a copyright notice in the name of Barry +Brachman, but he confirmed that he had assigned his copyright to the +University of California and the continued inclusion of the old +copyright notice was an omission on their part. + +The game `hunt' appears to be copyrighted by its authors and the +University of California: + + Copyright (c) 1985 Conrad C. Huang, Gregory S. Couch, Kenneth C.R.C. Arnold + San Francisco, California + + Copyright (c) 1983, 1985 Regents of the University of California. + All rights reserved. The Berkeley software License Agreement + specifies the terms and conditions for redistribution. + + Hunt is part of the user-contributed software distributed by + Berkeley in 4BSD. The sources are copyrighted by the authors + and the University of California. You may redistribute freely + as long as the copyright notices are retained. + +These terms also apply to `hunt/Makeconfig', which is derived from the +hunt `Makefile.inc' distributed by NetBSD. + +The game `phantasia' is not copyright (except for +`phantasia/pathnames.h.in' to which the BSD copyright and licence +apply); the notice in `phantasia/COPYRIGHT' applies to it. + +The game `rogue' (in bsd-games-non-free) bears the standard BSD +notices, and then the following: + + This source herein may be modified and/or distributed by anybody who + so desires, with the following restrictions: + 1.) No portion of this notice shall be removed. + 2.) Credit shall not be taken for the creation of this source. + 3.) This code is not to be traded, sold, or used for personal + gain or profit. + +The game `wtf' is also not copyright, and bears the notice + + Public domain + +Auxilliary and data files, distributed with the games in NetBSD, but +not bearing copyright notices, probably fall under the terms of the +UCB or NetBSD copyrights and licences. The file `fortune/Notes' +contains a warning in regard to the fortune databases. + +Some files, beyond those present in NetBSD, have been added to the +Linux bsd-games collection. The following terms apply to the files in +the `include' and `lib' directories (relevant to binary distributions +insofar as they get compiled into the games; note that the include +files are probably irrelevant for this purpose as it is unlikely they +are significant enough to make any binary a derived work). + + Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. + All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products + derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, + BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; + LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED + AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, + OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + SUCH DAMAGE. + +The above terms also apply to the scripts, makefile fragments and +documentation added to the Linux bsd-games collection which are not +significantly derived from bsd-games 1.3 by Curt Olson and Andy Tefft; +this is all of them except for the files mentioned below to which the +similar terms given below are expected to apply. This includes the +testsuite scripts; the testsuite input and output for caesar +(`tests/caesar.constin' and `tests/caesar.constout') are from the US +Constitution, so not copyright; I believe the other testsuite expected +outputs are too trivial, or translations of inputs too trivial, to +qualify for copyright; but if not, then the terms given above apply +(and, of course, running the test command gives an identical output +file to which you could apply your own copyright). + +The files `bsd-games.lsm', `ChangeLog.0', `THANKS', `INSTALL', +`README', `TODO', `boggle/README.linux', `fortune/README.linux', and +`hunt/README.linux' are still significantly derived from files in the +original bsd-games package for Linux by Curt Olson and Andy Tefft. It +is expected that the following terms will apply to these files, and to +the compilation copyright on the package as a whole; ***this has yet +to be confirmed with Andy Tefft***: + + Copyright (c) 1993 Curt Olson, Andy Tefft. + Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. + All rights reserved. + + Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + are met: + 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + 3. The name of the authors may not be used to endorse or promote products + derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + + THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHORS ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHORS BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, + BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; + LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED + AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, + OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + SUCH DAMAGE. + + + +Local Variables: +mode: text +End: diff --git a/atc/atc.6.in b/atc/atc.6.in new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c94d9bd --- /dev/null +++ b/atc/atc.6.in @@ -0,0 +1,489 @@ +.\" $NetBSD: atc.6,v 1.6 1999/07/17 19:48:40 hubertf Exp $ +.\" +.\" Copyright (c) 1990, 1993 +.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. +.\" +.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by +.\" Ed James. +.\" +.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +.\" are met: +.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +.\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software +.\" must display the following acknowledgement: +.\" This product includes software developed by the University of +.\" California, Berkeley and its contributors. +.\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors +.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software +.\" without specific prior written permission. +.\" +.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND +.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE +.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE +.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE +.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL +.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS +.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) +.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT +.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +.\" SUCH DAMAGE. +.\" +.\" @(#)atc.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 +.\" +.\" Copyright (c) 1986 Ed James. All rights reserved. +.\" +.Dd May 31, 1993 +.Dt ATC 6 +.Os BSD 4.3 +.Sh NAME +.Nm atc +.Nd air traffic controller game +.Sh SYNOPSIS +.Nm atc +.Op Fl u?lstp +.Op Fl gf Ar "game name" +.Op Fl r Ar "random seed" +.Sh DESCRIPTION +.Nm Atc +lets you try your hand at the nerve wracking duties of the air traffic +controller without endangering the lives of millions of +travelers each year. +Your responsibilities require you to direct the flight of jets +and prop planes into and out of the flight arena and airports. +The speed (update time) and frequency of the planes depend on the +difficulty of the chosen arena. +.Sh OPTIONS +.Bl -tag -width flag +.It Fl u +Print the usage line and exit. +.It Fl ? +Same as +.Fl u. +.It Fl l +Print a list of available games and exit. +The first game name printed is the default game. +.It Fl s +Print the score list (formerly the Top Ten list). +.It Fl t +Same as +.Fl s. +.It Fl p +Print the path to the special directory where +.Nm atc +expects to find its private files. This is used during the +installation of the program. +.It Fl g Ar game +Play the named game. If the game listed is not one of the +ones printed from the +.Fl l +option, the default game is played. +.It Fl f Ar game +Same as +.Fl g. +.It Fl r Ar seed +Set the random seed. The purpose of this flag is questionable. +.El +.Sh GOALS +Your goal in +.Nm atc +is to keep the game going as long as possible. +There is no winning state, except to beat the times of other players. +You will need to: launch planes at airports (by instructing them to +increase their altitude); land planes at airports (by instructing them to +go to altitude zero when exactly over the airport); and maneuver planes +out of exit points. +.Pp +Several things will cause the end of the game. +Each plane has a destination (see information area), and +sending a plane to the wrong destination is an error. +Planes can run out of fuel, or can collide. Collision is defined as +adjacency in all three dimensions. A plane leaving the arena +in any other way than through its destination exit is an error as well. +.Pp +Scores are sorted in order of the number of planes safe. The other +statistics are provided merely for fun. There is no penalty for +taking longer than another player (except in the case of ties). +.Pp +Suspending a game is not permitted. If you get a talk message, tough. +When was the last time an Air Traffic Controller got called away to +the phone? +.Sh "THE DISPLAY" +.Pp +Depending on the terminal you run +.Nm atc +on, the screen will be divided into 4 areas. +It should be stressed that the terminal driver portion of the +game was designed to be reconfigurable, so the display format can vary +depending the version you are playing. The descriptions here are based +on the ascii version +of the game. The game rules and input format, however, +should remain consistent. +Control-L redraws the screen, should it become muddled. +.Ss RADAR +The first screen area is the radar display, showing the relative locations +of the planes, airports, standard entry/exit points, radar +beacons, and ``lines'' which simply serve to aid you in guiding +the planes. +.Pp +Planes are shown as a single letter with an altitude. If +the numerical altitude is a single digit, then it represents +thousands of feet. +Some distinction is made between the prop +planes and the jets. On ascii terminals, prop planes are +represented by a upper case letter, jets by a lower case letter. +.Pp +Airports are shown as a number and some indication of the direction +planes must be going to land at the airport. +On ascii terminals, this is one of `^', `>', `<', and `v', to indicate +north (0 degrees), east (90), west (270) and south (180), respectively. +The planes will also +take off in this direction. +.Pp +Beacons are represented as circles or asterisks and a number. +Their purpose is to offer a place of easy reference to the plane pilots. +See ``the delay command'' under the input section of this manual. +.Pp +Entry/exit points are displayed as numbers along the border of the +radar screen. Planes will enter the arena from these points without +warning. These points have a direction associated with them, and +planes will always enter the arena from this direction. On the +ascii version of +.Nm atc, +this direction is not displayed. It will become apparent +what this direction is as the game progresses. +.Pp +Incoming planes will always enter at the same altitude: 7000 feet. +For a plane to successfully depart through an entry/exit point, +it must be flying at 9000 feet. +It is not necessary for the planes to be flying in any particular +direction when they leave the arena (yet). +.Ss "INFORMATION AREA" +The second area of the display is the information area, which lists +the time (number of updates since start), and the number of planes you +have directed safely out of the arena. +Below this is a list of planes currently in the air, followed by a +blank line, and then a list of planes on the ground (at airports). +Each line lists the plane name and its current altitude, +an optional asterisk indicating low fuel, the plane's destination, +and the plane's current command. Changing altitude is not considered +to be a command and is therefore not displayed. The following are +some possible information lines: +.Pp +.Bd -literal -unfilled -offset indent +B4*A0: Circle @ b1 +g7 E4: 225 +.Ed +.Pp +The first example shows a prop plane named `B' that is flying at 4000 +feet. It is low on fuel (note the `*'). Its destination is +Airport #0. +The next command it expects +to do is circle when it reaches Beacon #1. +The second example shows a jet named `g' at 7000 feet, destined for +Exit #4. It is just now executing a turn to 225 degrees (South-West). +.Ss "INPUT AREA" +The third area of the display is the input area. It is here that +your input is reflected. See the INPUT heading of this manual +for more details. +.Ss "AUTHOR AREA" +This area is used simply to give credit where credit is due. :-) +.Sh INPUT +A command completion interface is built into +the game. At any time, typing `?' will list possible input characters. +Typing a backspace (your erase character) backs up, erasing the last part +of the command. When a command is complete, a return enters it, and +any semantic checking is done at that time. If no errors are detected, +the command is sent to the appropriate plane. If an error is discovered +during the check, the offending statement will be underscored and a +(hopefully) descriptive message will be printed under it. +.Pp +The command syntax is broken into two parts: +.Em "Immediate Only" +and +.Em Delayable +commands. +.Em "Immediate Only" +commands happen on the next +update. +.Em Delayable +commands also happen on the next update unless they +are followed by an optional predicate called the +.Em Delay +command. +.Pp +In the following tables, the syntax +.Em [0\-9] +means any single digit, and +.Em +refers to a direction, given by the keys around the `s' key: ``wedcxzaq''. +In absolute references, `q' refers to North-West or 315 degrees, and `w' +refers to North, or 0 degrees. +In relative references, `q' refers to -45 degrees or 45 degrees left, and `w' +refers to 0 degrees, or no change in direction. +.Pp +All commands start with a plane letter. This indicates the recipient +of the command. Case is ignored. +.Ss "IMMEDIATE ONLY COMMANDS" +.Bl -tag -width "aaaa" +.It "a [ cd+- ]" Em number +Altitude: Change a plane's altitude, possibly requesting takeoff. +`+' and `-' are the same as `c' and `d'. +.Bl -tag -width "aaaaaaaaaa" -compact +.It a Em number +Climb or descend to the given altitude (in thousands of feet). +.It ac Em number +Climb: relative altitude change. +.It ad Em number +Descend: relative altitude change. +.El +.It m +Mark: Display in highlighted mode. Plane and command information +is displayed normally. +.It i +Ignore: Do not display highlighted. Command is displayed as a +line of dashes if there is no command. +.It u +Unmark: Same as ignore, but if a delayed command is processed, +the plane will become marked. This is useful if you want +to forget about a plane during part, but not all, of its +journey. +.El +.Ss "DELAYABLE COMMANDS" +.Bl -tag -width "aaaa" +.It "c [ lr ]" +Circle: Have the plane circle. +.Bl -tag -width "aaaaaaaaaa" -compact +.It cl +Left: Circle counterclockwise. +.It cr +Right: Circle clockwise (default). +.El +.It "t [ l-r+LR ] [ dir ] or tt [ abe* ]" Em number +Turn: Change direction. +.Bl -tag -width "aaaaaaaaaa" -compact +.It "t" +Turn to direction: Turn to the absolute compass heading given. +The shortest turn will be taken. +.It "tl [ dir ]" +Left: Turn counterclockwise: 45 degrees by default, or the amount +specified in (not +.Em to +.) `w' (0 degrees) is no turn. `e' is 45 degrees; `q' gives -45 +degrees counterclockwise, that is, 45 degrees clockwise. +.It "t- [ dir ]" +Same as left. +.It "tr [ dir ]" +Right: Turn clockwise, 45 degrees by default, or the amount specified +in . +.It "t+ [ dir ]" +Same as right. +.It tL +Hard left: Turn counterclockwise 90 degrees. +.It tR +Hard right: Turn clockwise 90 degrees. +.It "tt [abe*]" +Towards: Turn towards a beacon, airport or exit. The turn is +just an estimate. +.It "tta" Em number +Turn towards the given airport. +.It "ttb" Em number +Turn towards the specified beacon. +.It "tte" Em number +Turn towards an exit. +.It "tt*" Em number +Same as ttb. +.El +.El +.Ss THE DELAY COMMAND +The +.Em Delay +(a/@) +command may be appended to any +.Em Delayable +command. It allows the controller to instruct a plane to do an action +when the plane reaches a particular beacon (or other objects in future +versions). +.Bl -tag -width "aaaa" +.It ab Em number +Do the delayable command when the plane reaches the specified +beacon. The `b' for ``beacon'' is redundant to allow for expansion. +`@' can be used instead of `a'. +.El +.Ss "MARKING, UNMARKING AND IGNORING" +Planes are +.Em marked +by default when they enter the arena. This means they are displayed +in highlighted mode on the radar display. A plane may also be either +.Em unmarked +or +.Em ignored. +An +.Em unmarked +plane is drawn in unhighlighted mode, and a line of dashes is displayed in +the command field of the information area. The plane will remain this +way until a mark command has been issued. Any other command will be issued, +but the command line will return to a line of dashes when the command +is completed. +.Pp +An +.Em ignored +plane is treated the same as an unmarked plane, except that it will +automatically switch to +.Em marked +status when a delayed command has been processed. This is useful if +you want to forget about a plane for a while, but its flight path has +not yet been completely set. +.Pp +As with all of the commands, marking, unmarking and ignoring will take effect +at the beginning of the next update. Do not be surprised if the plane does +not immediately switch to unhighlighted mode. +.Ss EXAMPLES +.Bl -tag -width gtte4ab2 -offset indent +.It atlab1 +Plane A: turn left at beacon #1 +.It cc +Plane C: circle +.It gtte4ab2 +Plane G: turn towards exit #4 at beacon #2 +.It ma+2 +Plane M: altitude: climb 2000 feet +.It stq +Plane S: turn to 315 +.It xi +Plane X: ignore +.El +.Sh "OTHER INFORMATION" +.Bl -bullet +.It +Jets move every update; prop planes move every other update. +.It +All planes turn a most 90 degrees per movement. +.It +Planes enter at 7000 feet and leave at 9000 feet. +.It +Planes flying at an altitude of 0 crash if they are not over an airport. +.It +Planes waiting at airports can only be told to take off (climb in altitude). +.El +.Sh "NEW GAMES" +The +.Pa Game_List +file lists the currently available play fields. New field description +file names must be placed in this file to be playable. If a player +specifies a game not in this file, his score will not be logged. +.Pp +The game field description files are broken into two parts. The first +part is the definition section. Here, the four tunable game parameters +must be set. These variables are set with the syntax: +.Pp +.Dl "variable = number;" +.Pp +Variable may be one of: +.Li update, +indicating the number of seconds between forced updates; +.Li newplane, +indicating (about) the number of updates between new plane entries; +.Li width, +indicating the width of the play field; or +.Li height, +indicating the height of the play field. +.Pp +The second part of the field description files describes the locations +of the exits, the beacons, the airports and the lines. +The syntax is as follows: +.Pp +.Bd -literal -offset indent +.Bl -tag -width airport: -compact +.It beacon: +(x y) ... ; +.It airport: +(x y direction) ... ; +.It exit: +(x y direction) ... ; +.It line: +[ (x1 y1) (x2 y2) ] ... ; +.El +.Ed +.Pp +For beacons, a simple x, y coordinate pair is used (enclosed in +parenthesis). Airports and exits require a third value, which is one +of the directions +.Em wedcxzaq. +For airports, this is the direction that planes must be going to take +off and land, and for exits, this is the direction that planes will going +when they +.Em enter +the arena. This may not seem intuitive, but as there is no restriction on +direction of exit, this is appropriate. +Lines are slightly different, since they need two coordinate pairs to +specify the line endpoints. These endpoints must be enclosed in +square brackets. +.Pp +All statements are semi-colon (;) terminated. Multiple item statements +accumulate. Each definition must occur exactly once, before any +item statements. Comments begin with a hash (#) symbol +and terminate with a newline. +The coordinates are between zero and width-1 and height-1 +inclusive. All of the exit coordinates must lie on the borders, and +all of the beacons and airports must lie inside of the borders. +Line endpoints may be anywhere within the field, so long as +the lines are horizontal, vertical or +.Em exactly +diagonal. +.Ss "FIELD FILE EXAMPLE" +.Bd -literal -unfilled +# This is the default game. + +update = 5; +newplane = 5; +width = 30; +height = 21; + +exit: ( 12 0 x ) ( 29 0 z ) ( 29 7 a ) ( 29 17 a ) + ( 9 20 e ) ( 0 13 d ) ( 0 7 d ) ( 0 0 c ) ; + +beacon: ( 12 7 ) ( 12 17 ) ; + +airport: ( 20 15 w ) ( 20 18 d ) ; + +line: [ ( 1 1 ) ( 6 6 ) ] + [ ( 12 1 ) ( 12 6 ) ] + [ ( 13 7 ) ( 28 7 ) ] + [ ( 28 1 ) ( 13 16 ) ] + [ ( 1 13 ) ( 11 13 ) ] + [ ( 12 8 ) ( 12 16 ) ] + [ ( 11 18 ) ( 10 19 ) ] + [ ( 13 17 ) ( 28 17 ) ] + [ ( 1 7 ) ( 11 7 ) ] ; + +.Ed +.Sh FILES +Files are kept in a special directory. See the OPTIONS for a way to +print this path out. It is normally +.Pa @atc_dir@. +.Pp +This directory contains the file +.Pa Game_List, +which holds the list of playable games, as well as the games +themselves. +.Pp +The scores are kept in +.Pa @atc_scorefile@. +.Sh AUTHOR +Ed James, UC Berkeley: edjames@ucbvax.berkeley.edu, ucbvax!edjames +.Pp +This game is based on someone's description of the overall flavor +of a game written for some unknown PC many years ago, maybe. +.Sh BUGS +The screen sometimes refreshes after you have quit. +.Pp +Yet Another Curses Bug was discovered during the development of this game. +If your curses library clrtobot.o is version 5.1 or earlier, +you will have erase problems with the backspace operator in the input +window. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick b/fortune/datfiles/limerick new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dccb1f --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +A computer called Illiac4 +Had a rather tough bug in its core. + It chewed up its cards + And spewed yards and yards +Of illegible tape on the floor. +% +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace; + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A hacker who screwed a mag tape +Was caught and convicted of rape. + To jail he did go, + From which, to his woe +He couldn't get out with ESC. +% +A linguist thought it a farce +That memory space was so sparse. + One day they increased it. + Said he as he seized it: +"At last! Enough core for the parse". +% +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. +% +A very intelligent turtle +Found programming UNIX a hurdle + The system, you see, + Ran as slow as did he, +And that's not saying much for the turtle. +% diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b3f5a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.fake @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this +system. For further details, contact your system administrator. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1798d23 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/limerick-o.real @@ -0,0 +1,5325 @@ +A bad little girl in Madrid, +A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, +And the worst of it was that it did! +% +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% +A beautiful belle of Del Norte +Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty + Because during the day + She says: "Boys, keep away!" +But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. +% +A beautiful lady named Psyche +Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. + One thing about Ike + The lady can't like +Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. +% +A beetling young woman named Pridgets +Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; + Off the end of a wharf + She once pushed a dwarf +Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression +Sold cigars at a key-club concession. + When she swiveled about + Even strong men cried out, +For her costume did not keep her flesh in. +% +A bobby of Nottingham Junction +Whose organ had long ceased to function + Deceived his good wife + For the rest of her life +With the aid of his constable's truncheon. +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was diddling a collie- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was fucking a collie -- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A burleyque dancer, a pip +Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; + But she read science fiction + And died of constriction +Attempting a Moebius strip. + -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" +% +A busy young lady named Gloria +Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +A cabin boy on an old clipper +Grew steadily flipper and flipper. + He plugged up his ass + With fragments of glass +And thus circumcised his old skipper. +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +Without even leaving his grodge. +% +A cautious young fellow named Lodge, +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + With his date all strapped in + He committed a sin +Without even leaving the garage. + -- "A Boy and His Dog" +% +A cautious young fellow named Tunney +Had a whang that was worth any money. + When eased in half-way, + The girl's sigh made him say, +"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." +% +A certain young man, it was noted, +Went about in the heat thickly-coated; + He said, "You may scoff, + But I shan't take it off; +Underneath I am horribly bloated." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A certain young person of Ghent, +Uncertain if lady or gent, + Shows his organs at large + For a small handling charge +To assist him in paying the rent. +% +A certain young sheik of Algiers +Said to his harem, "My dears, + Though you may think it odd of me, + I'm tired of just sodomy +Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) +% +A chap down in Oklahoma +Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, + But the sweetness of pitch + Couldn't put off the hitch +Of impotence, size and aroma. +% +A charmer from old Amarillo, +Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, + Decided one day + That to keep men away +She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. +% +A chippy who worked in Black Bluff +Had a pussy as large as a muff. + It had room for both hands + And some intimate glands, +And was soft as a little duck's fluff. +% +A clerical student named Pryne +Through pain sought to reach the divine: + He wore a hair shirt, + Quite often ate dirt, +And bathed every Friday in brine. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The fuckin' thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The goddam thing broke +And beat both his balls to a creame. +% +A cocksucking steno named Beeman +Remarked as she swallowed my semen : + "On my minuscule salary + I must watch every calorie, +So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +% +A contortionist hailing from Lynch +Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did +Stretch it to three in a pinch. +% +A corpulent maiden named Kroll +Had a notion exceedingly droll: + At a masquerade ball, + Dressed in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker House roll. +% +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. +% +A cowhand way out in Seattle +Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, +But golly! it just fits the cattle." +% +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +% +A cute little twerp from Samoa +Had a cock of one inch and no moa. + It was good for keyholes + And debutantes' peeholes +But not worth a damn on a whoa. +% +A daredevil skater named Lowe, +Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, + But is proudest of doing, + Some incredible screwing, +Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +% +A deep-throated virgin named Netty +Was sucking a cock on the jetty. + She said, "It tastes nice, + Much better than rice, +Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +% +A delighted, incredulous bride +Remarked to her groom at her side : + "I never could quite + Believe till tonight +Our anatomies would coincide." +% +A dentist, young doctor Malone, +Got a charming girl patient alone, + And, in his depravity, + Filled the wrong cavity. +God, how his practice has grown. +% +A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, +With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, + Let his third-story front, + To a willing young cunt, +Who supplied him a new lease on life! +% +A desperate spinster from Clare +Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, + And prayed to her God + For a romp on the sod-- +'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +% +A distinguished professor from Swarthmore +Got along with a sexy young sophomore. + As quick as a glance + He stripped off his pants, +But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, +And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. + +A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, +Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. + They found her vagina, + In South Carolina, +And part of her ass in Brazil. +% +A dolly in Dallas named Alice, +Whose overworked sex is all callous, + Wore the foreskin away + On uncircumcised Ray, +Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +% +A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, +Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, + Had achieved some reknown + For her tone going down-- +There's a nice civil tongue in her head. +% +A fair-haired young damsel named Grace +Thought it very, very foolish to place + Her hand on your cock + When it turned hard as rock, +For fear it would explode in your face. +% +A farmer I know named O'Doole +Had a long and incredible tool. + He can use it to plow, + Or to diddle a cow, +Or just as a cue-stick at pool. +% +A fellatrix's healthful condition +Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. + Her remarkable diet + (I suggest that you try it) +Was only her clients' emission. +% +A fellow whose surname was Hunt +Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: + This versatile spout + Could be turned inside out, +Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. +% +A fisherman off of Cape Cod +Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" + But the high-minded fish + Resented his wish, +And nimbly swam off with his rod. +% +A foolish geologist from Kissen +Just didn't know what he was missin', + By studying rock + And neglecting his cock, +And using it merely for pissin'. +% +A Frenchman who lived in Alsace +Had sex with a virgin named Grace. + When he popped her cherry, + She made things hairy +By bleeding all over his face. +% +A frustrated lady named Alice +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + They found her vagina + In North Carolina +And bits of her tits were in Dallas. +% +A gay young prince from Morocco +Made love in a manner rococco. + He painted his penis + To resemble a venus +And flavored his semen with cocoa. +% +A geneticist living in Delft +Scientifically played with himself, + And when he was done + He labled it: son, +And filed him away on a shelf. +% +A geneticist living in Delft +Scientifically played with himself, + And when he was done + He labled it: son, +And filed him away on a shelf. +A gentleman, otherwise meek, +Detested with passion the leek; + When offered one out + He dealt such a clout +To the maid, she was down for a week. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A gentleman, otherwise meek, +Detested with passion the leek; + When offered one out + He dealt such a clout +To the maid, she was down for a week. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A german composer named Bruckner +Remarked to a lady while fuckener : + "Less lento, my dear, + With your cute little rear; +I like a hot presto when muckener!" +% +A gift was delivered to Laura +From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; + Wrapped in tissue and crepe, + It was peeled, like a grape, +And emitted a pale, greenish aura. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A gifted young fellow from Sparta +Was widely renowned as a farta'. + He could fart anything + From "Of Thee I Sing," +To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." +% +A girl camper once had an affair +With a fellow all covered with hair. + When she gave him his hat + She realized that +She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. +% +A girl of the Enterprise crew +Refused every offer to screw. + But a Vulcan named Spock + Crawled under her smock, +And now she is eating for two. +% +A girl of uncertain nativity +Had an ass of extreme sensitivity + While she sat on the lap + Of a German or Jap, +She could sense Fifth Column activity. +% +A graduate student named Zac +Was said to be great in the sack. + An inch of his boner + Put girls in a coma +And two gave them epileptic attacks. +% +A graduate student named Zac +Was said to be great in the sack. + An inch of his boner + Put girls in a coma +And two gave them epileptic attacks. +% +A greedy young lady from Sidney +Liked it in up to her kidney, + Till a man from Quebec + Shoved it up to her neck-- +He really diddled her, didn' he? +% +A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds +Once swallowed a package of seeds. + In a month, his ass + Was covered with grass +And his balls were grown over with weeds. +% +A guest in a household quite charmless +Was informed its eccentric was harmless: + "If you're caught unawares + At the head of the stairs, +Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A habit depraved and unsavory +Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery + Midst screeches and howls + He deflowered young owls +Which he kept in an underground aviary +% +A habit obscene and bizarre, +Has taken a-hold of papa. + He brings home young camels + And other odd mammals, +And gives them a go at mama. +% +A habit obscene and unsavory, +Holds a CS professor in slavery. + With maniacal howls, + He deflowers young owls, +That he keeps in an underground aviary. +% +A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk +Made love to the drive of his disk. + The thing circumsized him, + Which rather suprised him. +He wasn't aware of *that* risk. +% +A handsome young rodent named Gratian +As a lifeguard became a sensation. + All the lady mice waved + And screamed to be saved +By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. +% +A happy old hooker named Grace +Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. + It was hard for beginners + To tell who were winners : +There were cunt hairs all over the place. +% +A hardware debugger named Court +Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. + But its buffer array + Only handled 1K, +So the port's driver cut it off short. +% +A haughty young wench of Del Norte +Would fuck only men over forty. + Said she, "It's too quick + With a young fellow's prick; +I like it to last, and be warty." +% +A headstrong young woman in Ealing +Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; + When quizzed why she did, + She replied, "To be rid +Of a strange, overpowering feeling." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A hearty young fellow named Yost +Once had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of the spasm + The poor ectoplasm +Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." +% +A hearty young fellow named Yost +Once had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of the spasm + The poor ectoplasm +Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." +% +A hidebound young virgin named Carrie +Would say, when the fellows got hairy : + "Keep your prick in your pants + Till the end of this dance--" +Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. +% +A highly aesthetic young Jew +Had eyes of a heavenly blue; + The end of his dillie + Was shaped like a lilly, +And his balls were too utterly two! +% +A highway patrol buff named Claire, +Once screwed half a troop on a dare, + And her parts grew so hot, + There was steam on her twat, +So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! +% +A horny young fellow named Reg, +Was jerking off under a hedge. + The gardener drew near + With a huge pruning shear, +And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. +% +A huge-organed female in Dallas, +Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, + Was virgo intacto, + Because, ipso facto, +No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. +% +A joker who haunts Monticello +Is really a terrible fellow. + In the midst of caresses + He fills ladies dresses +With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. +% +A lacklustre lady of Brougham +Weaveth all night at her loom. + Anon she doth blench + When her lord and his wench +Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. +% +A lad, at his first copulation, +Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, + Gyration, elation + Throughout the duration, +I guess I'll give up masturbation." +% +A lad from far-off Transvaal +Was lustful, but tactful withal. + He'd say, just for luck, + "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" +But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. +% +A lad of the brainier kind +Had erogenous zones in his mind. + He got his sensations, + By solving equations, +(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) +% +A lady born under a curse +Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; + From the back she would wail + Through a thickness of veil: +"Things do not get better, but worse." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady both callous and brash +Met a man with a vast black moustache; + She cried, "Shave it, O do! + And I'll put it with glue +On my hat as a sort of panache." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady from Kalamazoo +Once found she had nothing to do, + So she sat on the stairs + And she counted her hairs: +4,302. +% +A lady from Old Little Rock +In fidelity took little stock, + And deserted her man + In the streets of Japan +For a boy with a prehensile cock. +% +A lady removing her scanties, +Heard them crackle electrical chanties. + Said her beau, "Have no fear, + For the reason is clear: +You simply have amps in your panties. +% +A lady stockholder quite hetera +Decided her fortune to bettera: + On the floor, quite unclad, + She successively had +Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... +% +A lady was seized with intent +To revise her existence misspent. + So she climbed up the dome + Of St. Peter's in Rome, +Where she stayed through the following Lent. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady while dining at Crewe +Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout, + And don't wave it about, +Or the others will all want one too." +% +A lady, while dining in Crewe, +Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout + Or wave it about +Or the others will ask for one, too." +% +A lady who signs herself "Vexed" +Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: + "I don't mind my shins + Being stuck full of pins, +But I fear I am coming unsexed." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A lady with features cherubic +Was famed for her area pubic. + When they asked her its size + She replied in surprise, +"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" +% +A lass at the foot of her class +Asked a brainier chick how to pass. + She replied, "With no fuss + You can get a B-plus, +By letting the prof pat your ass." +% +A lecherous barkeep named Dale, +After fucking his favorite female, + Mixed Drambuie and scotch + With the cream in her crotch +For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. +% +A licentious old justice of Salem +Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. + But instead of a fine + He would stand them in line, +With his common-law tool to impale 'em. +% +A limerick packs laughs anatomical +Into space that is quite economical. + But the good ones I've seen + So seldom are clean, +And the clean ones so seldom are comical. +% +A lonely young lad of Eton +Used always to sleep with the heat on, + Till he ran into a lass + Who showed him her ass -- +Now they sleep with only a sheet on. +% +A lovely young diver named Nancy, +Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, + The fish of Bonaire, + Watched her Derriere, +And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. +% +A lovely young maid from St. Jude +Once rode through the streets in the nude. + The police cried, "Whatam-- + Agnificent bottom" +And slapped it as hard as they could. +% +A lovely young maid from St. Jude +Once rode through the streets in the nude. + The police cried, "Whatam-- + Agnificent bottom" +And slapped it as hard as they cude. +% +A lusty young maid from Seattle +Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; + Till she found a bull + Who filled her so full +It made both her ovaries rattle. +% +A lusty young woodsman of Maine +For years with no woman had lain, + But he found sublimation + At a high elevation +In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! +% +A madam who ran a bordello +Put come in her pineapple jello, + For the rich, sexy taste + And not wanting to waste +That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. +% +A maestro directing in Rome +Had a quaint way of driving it home. + Whoever he climbed + Had to keep her tail timed +To the beat of his old metronome. +% +A maiden who lived in Virginny +Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. + The horsey set rushed her, + But success finally crushed her +For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. +% +A maiden who travelled in France +Once got on a train, just by chance. + The engineer fucked her, + The conductor sucked her, +And the fireman came in his pants. +% +A maiden who wrote of big cities +Some songs full of love, fun and pities, + Sold her stuff at the shop + Of a musical wop +Who played with her soft little titties. +% +A man was once heard to boast, +That he received a parcel by post, + It contained, so we heard, + A magnificent turd, +And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. +% +A marine being sent to Hong Kong +Got a doctor to alter his dong. + He sailed off with a tool + Flat and thin as a rule - +When he got there he found he was wrong. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Had a hexhedronical ball, + And the square of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight, +Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Has a hexahedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight +Is his phone number -- give him a call... +% +A mathematician named Klein +Thought the Mobius band was divine. + Said he, "If you glue + The edges of two, +You'll get a weird bottle like mine! +% +A middle-aged codger named Bruin +Found his love life completely in ruin, + For he flirted with flirts + Wearing pants and no skirts, +And he never got in for no screwin'. +% +A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, +Who was lonely and wanted a futter. + She had nowhere to turn, + So she diddled a churn, +And managed to come with the butter. +% +A mortician who practised in Fife +Made love to the corpse of his wife. + "How could I know, Judge? + She was cold, did not budge-- +Just the same as she'd acted in life." +% +A nasty old drunk in Carmel +Thinks it funny to piss in the well. + He says, "Some don't favor + That unusual flavor, +But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" +% +A nervous young fellow named Fred +Took a charming young widow to bed. + When he'd diddled a while + She remarked with a smile, +"You've got it all in but the head." +% +A new dramatist of the absurd +Has a voice that will shortly be heard. + I learn from my spies + He's about to devise +An unprintable three-letter word. +% +A newlywed couple from Goshen +Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. + In twenty-eight days + They got laid eighty ways -- +Imagine such fucking devotion! +% +A newly-wed man of Peru +Found himself in a terrible stew: + His wife was in bed + Much deader than dead, +And so he had no one to screw. +% +A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, +In the pleasures of men was well-versed. + Reads the sign o'er the head + Of her well-rumpled bed +"The customer always comes first." +% +A novice was told by the Abbot: +"Consider the goat and the rabbit. + While they roll in the hay + You just stay home and pray. +You've got to get out of that habit." +% +A nudist resort at Benares +Took a midget in all unawares. + But he made members weep + For he just couldn't keep +His nose out of private affairs. +% +A nurse motivated by spite +Tied her infantine charge to a kite; + She launched it with ease + On the afternoon breeze, +And watched till it flew out of sight. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A pansy who lived in Khartoum +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, with which, and to whom. +% +A passionate red-haired girl +When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, + And her twat would get wet, + And would wiggle and fret, +And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. +% +A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux +Fell in love with a dashing young beau. + To arrest his regard + She would squat in his yard +And longingly pee in the sneaux. +% +A petulant man once said, "Pish, +Your cunt is as big as a dish." + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool, +It's like driving a pin with a fish." +% +A physical fellow named Fisk +Could screw at a rate very brisk. + So fast was his action + The Fitzgerald contraction +Would shrink up his rod to a disk. +% +A pious old woman named Tweak +Had taught her vagina to speak. + It was frequently liable + To quote from the Bible, +But when fucking -- not even a squeak! +% +A pious young lady named Finnegan +Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; + So time it aright, + Make it last through the night, +For I certainly don't want to sin again!" +% +A pious young lady of Chichester +Made all of the saints in their niches stir + And each morning at matin + Her breast in pink satin +Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. +% +A playful young chemist named Byrd +Had an urge that could not be deferred. + So to irritate Knox + He shit in his sox, +And plastered the walls with his turd. +% +A plumber whose name was John Brink +Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. + Her resistance was stout, + And John Brink petered out, +With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. +% +A potter who lived in Bombay +Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; + But the heat of his prick + Kilned the damn thing to brick +And chafed all his foreskin away. +% +A pretty wife living in Tours +Demanded her daily amour. + But the husband said, "No! + It's to much. Let it go! +My backsides are dragging the floor." +% +A pretty young boy known as Kevin +Was raped in a pasture by seven + Lascivious beasts + (Oh, those Anglican priests) +And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young maiden from France +Decided she'd "just take a chance." + She let herself go + For an hour or so, +And now all her sisters are aunts. +% +A princess who lived near a bog +Met a prince in the form of a frog. + Now she and her prince + Are the parents of quints, +Four boys and one fine polliwog. +% +A princess who reigned in Baroda +Made her home on a purple pagoda. + She festooned the walls + Of her halls with the balls +And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. +% +A programmer down in Moline +Said, I'm the match for any machine. + My secret's aversion, + To loops and recursion, +Just acres of in-line routine. + -- W.J. Wilson +% +A rapist who reeked of cheap booze +Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. + She cried, "I suppose + There's no time for my clothes, +But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" +% +A rapturous young fellatrix +One day was at work on five pricks. + With an unholy cry + She whipped out her glass eye: +"Tell the boys I can now take on six." +% +A reckless young lady of France +Had no qualms about taking a chance, + But she thought it was crude + To get screwed in the nude, +So she always went home with damp pants. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians, +They have such peculiar diversions. + They screw the whole day + In the regular way, +And save up the nights for perversions. +% +A responsive young girl from the East +In bed was an able artiste. + She had learned two positions + From family physicians, +And ten more from the old parish priest. +% +A romantic attraction has clung +To a chap of whom damsels have sung: + "'Tis the Scourge from the East, + That lascivious beast +Who was known as Attila the Hung!" +% +A sailor who slept in the sun, +Woke to find his fly buttons undone, + He remarked with a smile, + "Good grief, a sun-dial! +And now it's a quarter-past one." +% +A savvy young hooker named Gail +Got busted and lodged in the jail. + But the jailer got hot, + To be lodged in her twat, +And so Gail made the bail with her tail. +% +A scandal involving an oyster +Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister + She preferred it, in bed, + To the count (so she said) +'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. +% +A scream from the crypt of St. Giles +Resounded for miles upon miles. + Said the friar, "Good gracious, + The brother Ignatious +Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." +% +A seafaring hacker named Slatey +Went to bed with a VAX/780. + The thing's learned to swear + With a nautical air, +And refers to its users as "matey". +% +A sex-loving coed named Bree +Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. + The joystick, she found, + Had been fooling around +With a neighboring student's PC. +% +A silly young man from Hong Kong +Had hands that were skinny and long. + He ate rice with his fingers-- + The taste of it lingers, +But now all his fingers are gone. +% +A slick talking pirate named Bruce +To steal code, had a plan to seduce + An Apple II+. + Now Bruce wears a truss +And was jailed for computer abuse. +% +A software technician from Digital +Had hardware extremely prodigical. + It's rumoured, I hear, + That when he was near +He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. +% +A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, +Made love to a lovely girl sentry. + She started to pout, + Because it fell out, +But the mission was saved by re-entry. +% +A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, +His moment of sexual truth. + He'd expected to fall + On a womb's spongy wall +But was dashed to his death on a tooth. +% +A spinster in Kalamazoo +Once strolled after dark by the zoo. + She was seized by the nape, + And fucked by an ape, +And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." + +And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, +But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry + A man with a prick + Half as stiff and as thick +As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." +% +A spunky young schoolboy named Fred +Used totoss off each night while in bed. + Said his mother, "Dear lad, + That's exceedingly bad-- +Jump in here with your mamma instead." +% +A starship commander named Kirk +Emerged from his cabin berserk. + He grabbed a girl yeoman + Beneath the abdomen, +And gave her a physical jerk. +% +A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, +Was having a captive, a person + Who was not averse + Though she had the curse, +And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. +% +A structured programmer named Drew +Was intensely turned on by "goto". + When he saw it in code + He'd shoot off his load. +It's a good thing his shop used so few. +% +A studious professor named Nestor +Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. + But she drained out his balls + And skipped up the walls, +Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. +% +A sweetheart named Teresa Arden +Went down on her beau in the garden. + He said, "Good lord, Tess, + Don't swallow that mess " +And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" +% +A sweetheart named Teresa Arden +Went down on her beau in the garden. + He said, "Good lord, Tess, + Don't swallow that mess!" +And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" +% +A systems programmer named Sprotic +Found his software intensely erotic. + In jealous distress + He wiped his OS. +It's possible that he's psychotic. +% +A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, +Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. + While the man detumesced + She still spent on with zest, +Her rapture sheer anachronism. +% +A talented girl from Detroit +Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point or finer +Or open it out like a quoit. +% +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called te umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% +A teenage protester named Lil +Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill + First they bugged our martinis, + Our bras and bikinis, +And now they are bugging the pill." +% +A thrice-married gal from L.A. +Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, + 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, + The voyeur only gawked at it, +And my most recent man's a gourmet." +% +A tidy young lady of Streator +Dearly loved to nibble a peter. + She always would say, + "I prefer it this way. +I think it is very much neater." +% +A timid young woman named Jane +Found parties a terrible strain; + With movements uncertain + She'd hide in a curtain +And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A tired young trollop of Nome +Was worn out from her toes to her dome. + Eight miners came screwing, + But she said, "Nothing doing; +One of you has to go home!" +% +A trapper named Francois Lefebrve +Once captured and buggered a beabrve. + The result of this fuck + Was a three titted duck, +A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. +% +A tutor who tooted a flute +Tried to tutor two tutors to toot + Said the two to the tutor: + "Is it harder to toot or +To tutor two tutors to toot" +% +A vengeful technician named Schmitz +Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. + He covered the platter + With bats' fecal matter. +Now it's seek time is really the pits. +% +A very odd pair are the Pitts: +His balls are as large as her tits, + Her tits are as large + As an invasion barge-- +Neither knows how the other cohabits. +% +A wanton young lady from Wimley +Reproached for not acting quite primly + Said, "Heavens above! + I know sex isn't love, +But it's such an entrancing facsimile." +% +A water pipe suited miss Hunt; +She used it for many a bunt. + But the unlucky wench + Got it caught in her trench --- +It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, +To get the thing out of her cunt. +% +A water pipe suited miss Hunt; +She used it for many a bunt. + But the unlucky wench + Got it caught in her trench --- +It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, +To get the thing out of her cunt. +% +A weary old lecher named Blott +Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. + Too lazy to rape her, + He made darts out of paper, +Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. +% +A whimsical fellow named Bloch +Could beat the base drum with his cock. + With a special erection + He could play a selection +From Johann Sebastian Bach. +% +A wicked stone cutter named Cary +Drilled holes in divine statuary. + With eyes full of malice + He pulled out his phallus, +And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. +% +A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket +Had a hole as big as a basket. + A spot, as a bride, + In it now, you could hide, +And include with your luggage your mascot. +% +A widow whose singular vice +Was to keep her late husband on ice + Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- + I'll never defrost him! +Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." +% +A wonderful bird is the pelican. +His mouth can hold more than his belican. + He can take in his beak + Enough food for a week. +And I'm darned if I know how the helican. +% +A wonderful bird is the pelican. +His mouth can hold more than his belican. + He can take in his beak + Enough food for a week. +I'm darned if I know how the helican. +% +A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, +Renowned for the length of their peenies. + The hair on their balls + Sweeps the floors of their halls, +But they don't look at women, the meanies. +% +A wood-fetish busboy named Gable +Is rapid, is thorough, is able; + But when everything's cleared, + He gives way to the weird, +As he lovingly busses each table. +% +A worn-out young husband named Lehr +Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: + "Slip on a sheath, quick, + Then slip your big dick +Between these lips covered with hair." +% +A worried young man from Stamboul +Discovered red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." +% +A worried young man from Stamboul +Founds lots of red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic; +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" +% +A young bride and groom of Australia +Remarked as they joined genitalia : + "Though the system seems odd, + We are thankful that God +Developed the genus Mammalia." +% +A young fellow discovered through Freud +That although of penis devoid, + He could practice coitus + By eating a foetus, +And his parents were quite overjoyed. +% +A young Juliet of St. Louis +On a balcony stood acting screwy. + Her Romeo climbed, + But he wasn't well timed, +And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! +% +A young lad named Lester McGraw +Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. + As he watched him stick her + He said, with a snicker, +"You do it much faster than Paw." +% +A young lady sat by the sea, +Just as proper as proper could be. + A young fellow goosed her, + And roughly seduced her, +So she thanked him and went home to tea. +% +A young lady who lived by the Usk +Subsisted each day on a rusk; + She ate the first bite + Before it was light, +And the last crumb sometime after dusk. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young lass got married at Chester; +Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. + Said she, "You're in luck -- + 'E's a stunning good fuck, +For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." +% +A young maiden from France was no prude, +She decided to dive in the nude, + But her buddy, behind, + Went out of his mind, +When he noticed where she was tatooed. +% +A young man by a girl was desired +To give her the thrills she required, + But he died of old age + Ere his cock could assuage +The volcanic desire it inspired. +% +A young man from the banks of the Po +Found his cock had elongated so, + That when he'd pee + It was never he +But only his neighbors who'd know. +% +A young man grew increasingly peaky +In a house where the hinges were squeaky, + The ferns curled up brown, + The ceilings flaked down, +And all of the faucets were leaky. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young man maintained that his trigger +Was so big that there weren't any bigger. + But this long and thick pud + Was so heavy it could +Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. +% +A young man of acumen and daring, +Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, + Was left quite alone + When it soon became known +That their use at his board was unsparing. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll +While bent over plucking a dingle + Had the whole of Eisteddfod + Taking turns at his pod +While they sang some impossible jingle. +% +A young man with passions quite gingery +Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. + He slapped her behind + And made up his mind +To add incest to insult and injury. +% +A young polo-player of Berkeley +Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. + In the midst of each chukker + He would break off and fuck her +Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. +% +A young systems programmer of Sprotic +Found his software intensely erotic. + In jealous distress + He wiped his OS. +It's possible that he's a psychotic. +% +A young violinist from Rio +Was seducing a woman named Cleo. + As she took down her panties + She said, "No andantes; +I want this allegro con brio!" +% +A young wife in the outskirts of Reims +Preferred frigging to going to mass. + Said her husband, "Take Jacques, + Or any young cock, +For I cannot live up to your ass." +% +A young woman got married at Chester, +Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. + Says she, "You're in luck, + He's a stunning good fuck, +For I've had him myself down in Leicester." +% +According to experts, the oyster +In its shell - a crustacean cloister - + May frequently be + Either he or a she +Or both, if it should be its choice ter. +% +Alas for the Countess d'Isere, +Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. + Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" + When he parted her thighs; +"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." +% +All the female apes ran from King Kong +For his dong was unspeakably long. + But a friendly giraffe + Quaffed his yard and a half, +And ecstatically burst into song. +% +An aesthete from South Carolina +Had a cock that tickled like China, + But while shooting his load + It cracked like old Spode, +So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. +% +An agreeable girl named Miss Doves +Likes to jack off the young men she loves. + She will use her bare fist + If the fellows insist +But she really prefers to wear gloves. +% +An AI researcher named Bluth +Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, + Eroticon VI, + Which he taught certain tricks +Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. +% +An amazon giantess named Dunne +Let a midget screw her for fun. + But the poor little runt + Was engulfed in her cunt +And re-born as the twin of his son. +% +An ambitious lady named Harriet +Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot + By seventeen sailors + A monk and three tailors, +Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. +% +An anonymous woman we knew +Was dozing one day in her pew; + When the preacher yelled "Sin!" + She said, "Count me in +As soon as the service is through." +% +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection- +Corinthian, ionic, and doric. +% +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection- +Corinthian,ionic,and doric. +% +An ardent young man named Magruder +Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. + She thought it quite lewd + To be wooed in the nude, +But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. +% +An Argentine gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. + Women are fine + And sheep are divine +But llamas are numero uno." +% +An ARPAnaut name of Corvette +Had a fetish involving the net. + As he fondled his IMP + His cock went from limp +To as hard as concrete which has set. +% +An arrogant wench from Salt Lake +Liked to tease all the boys on the make. + She was finally the prize + Of a man twice her size +And all she recalls is the ache. +% +An artist who lived in Australia +Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. + The drawing was fine, + The colour - devine, +The scent - ah, that was a failia. +% +An artist who lived in Australia +Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. + The drawing was fine, + The colour - divine, +The scent - ah, that was a failia. +% +An eager young hacker named Gus +Once buggered a VAX Unibus. + The hardware went bad, + But not the young lad +(Except for the toupee and truss). +% +An eager young hacker named Gus +Once buggered a VAX Unibus. + The hardware went bad, + But not the young lad +He didn't expect all that fuss! +% +An Edwardian father named Udgeon, +Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, + Used on Saturday nights + To turn down the lights, +And chase them around with a bludgeon. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An envious girl named McMeanus +Was jealous of her lover's big penis. + It was small consolation + That the rest of the nation +Of women were with her in weeness. +% +An exotic young lady named Suki +Once danced in a troupe of kabuki + When asked for a fuck + She said, "Solly, no luck-- +See here: looky looky, no nuki " +% +An impish young fellow named James +Had a passion for idiot games. + He lighted the hair + Of his lady's affair +And laughed as she pissed through the flames. +% +An impotent Scot named MacDougall +Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. + He was gathering semen + To gender a he-man, +By screwing his wife through a bugle. +% +An incautious young woman named Venn +Was seen with the wrong sort of men; + She vanished one day, + But the following May +Her legs were retrieved from a fen. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An indefatigable woman named Bavel +Had often occasion to travel; + On the way she would sit + And furiously knit, +And on the way back she'd unravel. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An ingenious young man in South Bend +Made a synthetic ass for a friend, + But the friend shortly found + Its construction unsound, +It was simply a bother -- no end. +% +An innocent maiden named Herridge +Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; + When she later found out + What her spouse was about, +She threw herself under a carriage. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An inquisitive virgin named Dora +Asked the man who started to bore 'er : + "Do you mean birds and bees + Go through antics like these, +To suppy us our fauna and flora?" +% +An irate young lady named Booker +Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! + If you want it queer ways, + Go to whores for your lays!" +So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. +% +An octagenerian Jew +To his wife remained steadfastly true. + This was not from compunction, + But due to dysfunction +Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. +% +An old couple just at Shrovetide +Were having a piece -- when he died. + The wife for a week + Sat tight on his peak, +And bounced up and down as she cried. +% +An old electronic designer +Had designs on a minor named Dinah. + He couldn't carry them out + For his prick was too stout, +And too small was the minor's vagina. +% +An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings +Were a terrible trial to his siblings, + But he was not removed + Till one day it was proved +That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. + -- Edward Gorey +% +An old maid who had a pet ape +Lived in fear of perpetual rape. + His red, hairy phallus + So filled her with malice +That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. +% +An old man at the Folies Bergere +Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: + It snipped off a twat-curl + From each new chorus girl, +And he had a wig made of the hair. +% +An organist playing in York +Had a prick that could hold a small fork, + And between obbligatos + He'd munch at tomatoes, +To keep up his strength while at work. +% +An orgasmic young sex star named Sue +Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. + Her climatic fame spread + With an ad blitz that said: +Coming soon at a theater near you! +% +An uptight young lady named Breerley +Who valued her morals too dearly + Had sex, so I hear, + Only once every year, +And she strained her vagina severely. +% +And earnest young woman in Thrace +Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" + So he gave her a thwack, + And did on her back, +What he couldn't have done face to face. +% +And then there's the story that's fraught +With disaster -- of balls that got caught, + When a chap took a crap + In the woods, and a trap +Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! +% +As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops +Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. + Since he thinks it's effete + To be beating his meat, +What he's into is licking his chops. +% +As he came in his chubby choirboy, +Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! + If no sodomy levens + And possible heavens, +Existence will merely annoy." +% +As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, +Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! + I could not bear the loss, + For with scarlet silk floss +My mama has embroidered their clocks." + -- Edward Gorey +% +As tourists inspected the apse +An ominous series of raps + Came from under the altar, + Which caused some to falter +And others to shriek and collapse. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, +"Do I sin if I do what I want, if + I screw a young nun + In the eastertide sun?" +His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." +% +At a contest for farting in Butte +One lady's exertion was cute : + It won the diploma + For fetid aroma, +And three judges were felled by the brute. +% +At a dance, a girl from Connecticut +Showed an absolute absence of etiquette + Letting all comers press + Through the skirt of her dress +And wiping the mess with her petticoat. +% +At the end of all civilization +Is the planet Terminus's location. + There's a girl there whose feat, + Without stone or concrete, +Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. +% +At the moment Japan declared war +A sailor was fucking a whore. + He said, "After this poke + `Long and hard' ain't no joke; +This means months 'til I get back ashore." +% +At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers +Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; + It beats all night long + A dirge on a gong +As it staggers about in the creepers. + -- Edward Gorey +% +At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, +Though of love we are never penurious. + Thanks to vulcanized aids, + Though we may die old maids, +At least we shall never die curious. +% +At whist drives and strawberry teas +Fan would giggle and show off her knees; + But when she was alone + She'd drink eau de cologne, +And weep from a sense of unease. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Augustus, for slpashing his soup, +Was put for the night on the stoop; + In the morning he'd not + Repented a jot, +And next day he was dead of the croup. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Augustus, for splashing his soup, +Was put for the night on the stoop; + In the morning he'd not + Repented a jot, +And next day he was dead of the croup. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Back in the days of old Adam +The grass served as mattress for madam, + And they spent the whole day + On the sex that today +They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. +% +Each Friday his engines abort, +But Scotty is never caught short. + He fills his machines + With space-navy beans, +And farts the ship back into port. +% +Each night Father fills me with dread +When he sits on the foot of my bed; + I'd not mind that he speaks + In gibbers and squeaks, +But for the seventeen years he's been dead. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Each night Father fills me with dread +When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; + I'd not mind that he speaks + In gibbers and squeaks, +But for the seventeen years he's been dead. + -- Edward Gorey +% +From deep in the crypt at St. Giles +Came a bellow that echoed for miles. + Said the rector, "My gracious, + Has Father Ignatius +Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" +% +From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, +There is really abominable news; + They've discovered a head + In the box for the bread, +But nobody seems to know whose. + -- Edward Gorey +% +From the bathing machine came a din +As of jollification within; + It was heard far and wide, + And the incoming tide +Had a definite flavour of gin. + -- Edward Gorey +% +"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" +Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. + "Since dating Miss Baugh, + My whole tongue has been raw-- +It must have been something I ate." +% +In the case of a lady named Frost, +Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, + It's the best part of valor + To bugger the gal, or +You're apt to fall in and get lost. +% +In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, +Complacently stroking his madam, + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth +There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. +% +In the garden of Eden lay Adam, +Complacently stroking his madam + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth +There were only two balls and he had'em. +% +In the little French town of Le'Beau, +Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. + At a masquerade ball, + Clad in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker house roll. +% +It always delights me at Hank's +To walk up the old river banks. + One time in the grass + I stepped on an ass, +And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." +% +It had snowed, and the man in the drift, +Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" + They sat in her Bentley, + She fondled him gently, +And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! +% +The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- +No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. + Where ten thousand virgins + Succumbed to his urgin's +There now stands the great State of Utah. +% +The latest reports from Good Hope +State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, + And fuck high, wide, and free, + From the top of one tree +To the top of the next -- what a scope! +% +The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, +Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. + Once Congress in session, + Declared its suppression, +But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. +% +The limerick is furtive and mean; +You must keep her in close quarantine, + Or she sneaks to the slums + And promptly becomes +Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. + -- Morris Bishop +% +The limerick is furtive and mean; +You must keep her in close quarantine, + Or she sneaks to the slums + And promptly becomes +Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. + -- Morris Bishop +% +The old archeologist, Throstle, +Discovered a marvelous fossil. + He knew from its bend + And the knot on the end, +T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. +% +There a young man from the Coast +Who had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of orgasm + Said the pallid phantasm, +"I think I can feel it -- almost!" +% +There once was a bishop from Birmingham +Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. + As they knelt on the hassock + He lifted his cassock +And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. +% +There once was a boy named Carruthers +Who was busily fucking his mother + "I know it's a sin," + He said, shoving it in, +"But it's better than blowing my brother." +% +There once was a chick named Longet, +Who went out to Aspen to play. + Along came a Spyder, + Who sat down beside her +And she blew the poor bastard away. +% +There once was a clergyman's daughter +Who detested the pony he bought her, + Till she found that its dong + Was as hard and as long +As the prayers her father had taught her. + +She married a fellow named Tony +Who soon found her fucking the pony. + Said he, "What's it got, + My dear, that I've not?" +Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." +% +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used library paste, +Instead of petroleum jelly. +% +There once was a couple named Kelly +Who walked around belly-to-belly. + It seems in their haste, + They used Carter's paste +Instead of petroleum jelly. +% +There once was a dentist named Stone +Who saw all his patients alone. + In a fit of depravity + He filled the wrong cavity, +And my, how his practice has grown! +% +There once was a Duchess of Beever +Who slept with her golden retriever. + Said the potted old Duke : + "Such tricks make me puke! +Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." +% +There once was a Duchess of Bruges +Whose cunt was incredibly huge. + Said the king to this dame + As he thunderously came: +"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" +% +There once was a fag of Khartoom +Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. + They argued all night, + Over who had the right, +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +% +There once was a fairy named Avers +Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. + Though buggers all claimed + That their asses were maimed, +Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. +% +There once was a fellow named Bob +Who in sexual ways was a snob. + One day he was swimmin' + With twelve naked women +And deserted them all for a gob. +% +There once was a fellow named Brewster +Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, + "It used to be grand + But look at my hand +You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." +% +There once was a fellow named Howard, +Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, + While grabbing some ass, + He reached critical mass, +But think of the girl he deflowered! +% +There once was a fellow named Potts +Who was prone to having the trots + But his humble abode + Was without a commode +So his carpet was covered with spots. +% +There once was a fellow named Siegel +Who attempted to bugger a beagle, + But the mettlesome bitch + Turned and said with a twitch, +"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." +% +There once was a fellow named Sweeney +Who spilled gin all over his weenie. + Not being uncouth, + He added vermouth +And slipped his amour a martini. +% +There once was a fencer named Fisk, +Whose speed was incredibly brisk. + So fast was his action, + The Fitzgerald contraction, +Foreshortended his foil to a disk. +% +There once was a fiesty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +% +There once was a floozie named Annie +Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: + A buck for a fuck, + Fifty cents for a suck, +And a dime for a feel of her fanny. +% +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said "This won't be much of a sin." +% +There once was a gangster named Brown +- the sneakiest bastard in town. + He was caught by G-men + Shooting his semen +Where the cops would slip and fall down. +% +There once was a gaucho named Bruno, +Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, + Sheep are just fine, + Chickens, divine, +But iguanas are Numero Uno." +% +There once was a gay young Parisian +Who screwed an appendix incision, + And the girl of his choice + Could hardly rejoice +At the horrible lack of precision. +% +There once was a girl from Cornell +Whose teats were shaped like a bell. + When you touched them they shrunk, + Except when she was drunk, +And then they got bigger than hell. +% +There once was a girl from Decatur, +Who got laid by a big alligator. + Now nobody knew + The result of that screw, +'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. +% +There once was a girl from Madras +Who had such a beautiful ass - + It was not round and pink + ( as you bastards think ) +But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. +% +There once was a girl from Madras +Who had such a beautiful ass - + It was not round and pink + (As you bastards think) +But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. +% +There once was a girl from Spokane, +Went to bed with a one-legged man. + She said, "I know you-- + You've really got two! +Why didn't you say so when we began?" +% +There once was a girl named Irene +Who lived on distilled kerosene + But she started absorbin' + A new hydrocarbon +And since then has never benzene. +% +There once was a girl named Louise +Who cunt hair hung down to her knees + The crabs in her twat + Tied the hairs in a knot +And constructed a flying trapeze +% +There once was a girl named Mcgoffin +Who was diddled amazingly often. + She was rogered by scores + Who'd been turned down by whores, +And was finally screwed in her coffin. +% +There once was a girl named Priscilla +Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. + The taste was so fine + Man and beast stood in line +(Including a stud armadilla). +% +There once was a girl so lovely, +Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, + She strapped on her tanks, + And started her pranks, +But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. +% +There once was a golfer named Leer, +Who got put in the clink for a year, + For an action obscene, + On the very first green. +Where the sign said "Enter course here." +% +There once was a gouty old colonel +Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, + And he cried in his tiffin + For his prick wouldn't stiffen, +And the size of the thing was infernal. +% +There once was a guardsman from Buckingham +Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. + But when I meet boys, + God! how I enjoys +Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." +% +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen. + So he built him some chicks, + Of silicon chips, +And hasn't been heard from since then. +% +There once was a handsome young seaman +Who with ladies was really a demon. + In peace or in war, + At sea or on shore, +He could certainly dish out the semen. +% +There once was a horny old bitch +With a motorized self-frigger which + She would use with delight + All day long and all night - +Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. +% +There once was a horse named Lily +Whose dingus was really a dilly. + It was vaginoid duply, + And labial quadruply -- +In fact, he was really a filly. +% +There once was a husky young Viking +Whose sexual prowess was striking. + Every time he got hot + He would scour the twat +Of some girl that might be to his liking. +% +There once was a jolly old bloke +Who picked up a girl for a poke. + He took down her pants, + Fucked her into a trance, +And then shit into her shoe for a joke. +% +There once was a kiddie named Carr +Caught a man on top of his mar. + As he saw him stick 'er, + He said with a snicker, +"You do it much faster than par." +% +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There once was a lady from Kansas +Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. + It was nine inches deep + And the sides were quite steep -- +It had whiskers like General Carranza's. +% +There once was a lady named Carter, +Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. + She stripped off his pants, + At his prick quickly glanced, +And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" +% +There once was a lady named Clair, +Who posessed a magnificent pair. + Or that's what I thought, + Till I saw one get caught, +On a thorn and begin losing air. +% +There once was a lady named Myrtle +Who had an affair with a turtle. + She had crabs, so they say, + In a year and a day +Which proved that that turtle was fertile. +% +There once was a lawyer named Rex +With minuscule organs of sex. + Arraigned for exposure, + He maintained with composure, +"De minimis non curat lex." + + [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] +% +There once was a lifeguard named Lee +Who rescued a girl from the sea + She asked how to pay, + And he said "Try this way, +Go down for the third time on me." +% +There once was a maid from Mobile +Whose cunt was made of blue steel. + She only got thrills + From pneumatic drills +And an off-centered emery wheel. +% +There once was a man from Bombay +He would do it all night and all day + He soon became sore + You shoulda' heard him roar +When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! +% +There once was a man from Calcutta +Who used to beat off in the gutta + The heat of the sun + Affected his gun +And turned all his cream into butta! +% +There once was a man from Dunoon, +Who always ate soup with a fork. + He said "When I eat + Either fish, foul or flesh, +I otherwise finish too quick." +% +There once was a man from Exameter +Who had a prodigious diameter + But it wasn't the size + That brought forth the cries +'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. +% +There once was a man from Madras, +Whose balls were made out of brass. + When they clanged together, + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There once was a man from Nantee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were most horrid + All ass and no forehead +Three balls and a purple goatee. +% +There once was a man from Nantucket +Who kept all his cash in a bucket. + His daughter, named Nan, + Ran away with a man, +And as for the bucket, Nantucket. + +The pair of them went to Manhasset, +(Nan and the man with the asset.) + Pa followed them there, + But they left in a tear, +And as for the asset, Manhasset. + +Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, +(Nan and the man with the bucket.) + Pa said to the man, + "You're welcome to Nan." +But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. +% +There once was a man from Nantucket, +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin, + As he wiped off his chin, +If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! +% +There once was a man from Nantucket +Whose dick was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +% +There once was a man from Racine, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Both concave and convex, + It could please either sex, +But, oh, what a bastard to clean! +% +There once was a man from Sandem +Who was making his girl on a tandem. + At the peak of the make + She jammed on the brake +And scattered his semen at random. +% +There once was a man from Sydney +Who could put it up to her kidney. + But the man from Quebec + Put it up to her neck; +He had a big one, now didn't he? +% +There once was a man named Lodge, +who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + When his date was strapped in, + He committed a sin, +without ever leaving the garage. +% +There once was a man named McGruder, +Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. + But the girl thought it crude, + To be wooed in the nude, +So McGru took an oar and subduder. +% +There once was a man named McSweeny +Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney + So just to be couth + He added vermouth +And slipped his best girl a martini. +% +There once was a man named McSweeny +Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. + Just to be couth, + He added vermouth, +And slipped his girlfriend a martini. +% +There once was a man named Parridge +With peculiar views on marriage. + He sucked off his brother, + Fucked his own mother, +And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. +% +There once was a man with a hernia +Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, + When you work on my middle + Be sure you don't fiddle +With things that do not concern ya." +% +There once was a member of Mensa +Who was a most excellent fencer. + The sword that he used + Was his -- (line is refused, +And has now been removed by the censor). +% +There once was a miner named Dave, +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + She was ugly as shit, + And missing one tit, +But think of the money he saves. +% +There once was a monk of Camyre +Who was seized with a carnal desire + And the primary cause + Was the abbess's drawers +Which were hung up to dry by the fire. +% +There once was a newspaper vendor, +A person of dubious gender. + He would charge one-and-two + For permission to view +His remarkable double pudenda. +% +There once was a plumber from Leigh +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." +% +There once was a pretty young Mrs. +Whose tearful but short story thrs. + Her mind lost its grasp - + Now she thinks she's an asp +And just sits in the corner and hrs. +% +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +% +There once was a reverend at Kings +Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. + But his heart was on fire + For a boy in the choir +Whose buns were like jelly on springs. +% +There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife -- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is they all do it well." +% +There once was a sailor named Gasted, +A swell guy, as long as he lasted, + He could jerk himself off + In a basket, aloft, +Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. +% +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There once was a son-of-a-bitch, +Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, + Yet the girls he would dazzle, + And fuck to a frazzle, +And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! +% +There once was a spaceman named Spock +Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. + A girl from Missouri + Whose name was Uhura +Just fainted away from the shock. +% +There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, +Discovered his sex life was hapless: + The more he would screw + The more he'd want to, +And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. +% +There once was a Usenetter named Mark, +Whose gender was kept in the dark. + He/she/it said with a nod, + "My ancestors were odd!" +Did Noah need two for the ark? +% +There once was a whore from Regina +Who had a stupendous vagina. + To save herself time, + She had six at a time, +And another one working behind her. +% +There once was a woman from Arden +Who sucked off a man in a garden. + He said, "My dear Flo, + Where does all that stuff go?" +And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" +% +There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield +Engaged to look after the deacon's field, + But he lurked in the ditches + And diddled the bitches +Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. +% +There once was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly, + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. +% +There once was a young girl from Natches +Who chanced to be born with two snatches + She often said, "Shit! + I'd give either tit +For a guy with equipment that matches." +% +There once was a young man from Boston +Who drove around town in an Austin, + There was room for his ass, + And a gallon of gas, +So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. +% +There once was a young man from France +Who waited ten years for his chance; +Then he muffed it... +% +There once was a young man from Yuma +Who attempted sex with a puma + He gave up real quick + Minus nose, toes, and prick +In obvious pain and ill huma. +% +There once was a young man from Yuma, +Who told an elephant joke to a puma. + Now his dry bleached bones lie, + Under hot Asian skies, +'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. +% +There once was a young man named Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse, and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +And now they're interred side by side. +% +There once was a young man named Gene, +Who invented a screwing machine. + Concave and convex, + It served either sex, +And it played with itself inbetween. +% +There once was a young man named Lancelot +Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot + For when he should pass + A desirable lass +The front of his pants would advance a lot. +% +There once was an Arpanet freak, +Who better response-time did seek. + He searched coast to coast, + For a reliable host, +Whose logger took less than a week. +% +There once was an old man from Esser, +Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. + It at last grew so small, + He knew nothing at all, +And now he's a College Professor. +% +There once were two brothers named Luntz +Who buggered each other at once. + When asked to account + For this intricate mount, +They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." +% +There once were two women from Birmingham. +And this is the story concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And fondled the cock +Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. +% +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. +% +There was a family named Doe, +An ideal family to know. + As father screwed mother, + She said, "You're heavier than brother." +And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" +% +There was a fat lady of China +Who'd a really enormous vagina, + And when she was dead + They painted it red, +And used it for docking a liner. +% +There was a fat man from Rangoon +Whose prick was much like a ballon. + He tried hard to ride her + And when finally inside her +She thought she was pregnant too soon. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. +% +There was a gay dog from Ontario +Who fancied himself a Lothario. + At a wench's glance + He'd snatch off his pants +And make for her Mons Venerio. +% +There was a gay parson of Norton +Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. + To make up for this loss, + He had balls like a horse, +And never spent less than a quartern. +% +There was a gay parson of Tooting +Whose roe he was frequently shooting, + Till he married a lass + With a face like my arse, +And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. +% +There was a girl from Aberystwyth +Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's son Jack + Laid her flat on her back +And united the organs they pissed with. +% +There was a lewd fellow named Duff +Who loved to dive deep in the muff. + With his head in a whirl + He said, "Spread it, Pearl; +I cunt get enough of the stuff!" +% +There was a man from Mich. +Who used to wish and wich. + That spring would come + So he could bum +Around and go out fich. +% +There was a pianist named Liszt +Who played with one hand while he pissed, + But as he grew older + His technique grew bolder, +And in concert jacked off with his fist. +% +There was a poor parson from Goring, +Who made a small hole in his flooring, + Fur-lined it all round, + Then laid on the ground, +And declared it was cheaper than whoring. +% +There was a strong man of Drumrig +Who one day did seven times frig. + He buggered three sailors, + Four dogs and two tailors, +And ended by fucking a pig. +% +There was a teenager named Donna +Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." + Two days out of three + She would shoot LSD, +And on weekends she smoked marijuana. +% +There was a young belle of old Natchez +Whose garments were always in patchez. + When comment arose + On the state of her clothes +She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." +% +There was a young blade from South Greece +Whose bush did so greatly increase + That before he could shack + He must hunt needle in stack. +'Twas as bad as being obese. +% +There was a young bride, a Canuck, +Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. + You say that I, maybe, + Can have my first baby-- +Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" +% +There was a young bride of Antigua +Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" + Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! + Why, you've only felt my twot, +My legs and my arse and my figua!" +% +There was a young chap in Arabia +Who courted a widow named Fabia. + "Yes, my tongue is as long + As the average man's dong," +He said, licking the lips of her labia. +% +There was a young cook with the art +Of making a delicious tart + With a handful of shit, + Some snot and some spit, +And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. +% +There was a young curate whose brain +Was deranged from the use of cocaine; + He lured a small child + To a copse dark and wild, +Where he beat it to death with his cane. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young damsel named Baker +Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. + He yelled, "My God! what + Do you call this -- a twat? +Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" +% +There was a young dolly named Molly +Who thought that to frig was a folly. + Said she, "Your pee-pee + Means nothing to me, +But I'll do it just to be jolly." +% +There was a young fellow called Clyde +Who fell in an outhouse and died. + He had a twin brother + Who fell in another +So now they're interred side by side. +% +There was a young fellow from Cal., +In bed with a passionate gal. + He leapt from the bed, + To the toilet he sped; +Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" +% +There was a young fellow from Florida +Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. + When they got into bed + He cried, "God strike me dead! +This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" +% +There was a young fellow from Kent +Whose cock was so long that it bent + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. +% +There was a young fellow from Leeds +Who swallowed a package of seeds. + Great tufts of grass + Sprouted out of his ass +And his balls were all covered with weeds. +% +There was a young fellow from Parma +Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. + Said the damsel demure, + "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, +But I must say you fuck like a farmer." +% +There was a young fellow name Tucker +Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, + Said, "Don't bow out your lips + Like an elephant's hips, +The boys like it best when they pucker." +% +There was a young fellow named Ades +Whose favorite fruit was young maids. + But sheep, nigger boys, whores, + And the knot holes in doors +Were by no means exempt from his raids. +% +There was a young fellow named Babbitt +Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, + But a girl from Johore + Could do it twice more, +Which was just enough extra to crab it. +% +There was a young fellow named Bill, +Who took an atomic pill, + His navel corroded, + His asshole exploded, +And they found his nuts in Brazil. +% +There was a young fellow named Blaine, +And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly + With an awful pot-belly, +But... well, they were caught in the rain. +% +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . +% +There was a young fellow named Bowen +Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. + It grew so tremendous, + So long and so pendulous, +'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. +% +There was a young fellow named Brewer +Whose girl made her home in a sewer. + Thus he, the poor soul, + Could get into her hole, +And still not be able to screw her! +% +There was a young fellow named Case +Who entered a cunt-lapping race. + He licked his way clean + Through Number thirteen, +But then slipped and got pissed in the face. +% +There was a young fellow named Charteris +Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. + Said she, "I don't mind, + And higher up you'll find +The place where my fucker and farter is." +% +There was a young fellow named Cribbs +Whose cock was so big it had ribs. + They were inches apart, + And to suck it took art, +While to fuck it took forty-two trips. +% +There was a young fellow named dick +Who had a magnificent prick. + It was shaped like a prism + And shot so much gism +It made every cocksucker sick. +% +There was a young fellow named Feeney +Whose girl was a terrible meany. + The hatch of her snatch + Had a catch that would latch +- She could only be screwed by Houdini. +% +There was a young fellow named Fletcher, +Was reputed an infamous lecher. + When he'd take on a whore + She'd need a rebore, +And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. +% +There was a young fellow named Fyfe +Whose marriage was ruined for life, + For he had an aversion + To every perversion, +And only liked fucking his wife. + +Well, one year the poor woman struck, +And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, + And said, "Where have you gotten us + With your goddamn monotonous +Fuck after fuck after fuck? + +"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- +And a versatile girl she was, too. + After ten years of whoredom + She perished of boredom +When she married a jackass like you!" +% +There was a young fellow named Gene +Who first picked his asshole quite clean. + He next picked his toes, + And lastly his nose, +And he never did wash in between. +% +There was a young fellow named Gluck +Who found himself shit out of luck. + Though he petted and wooed, + When he tried to get screwed +He found virgins just don't give a fuck. +% +There was a young fellow named Goody +Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? + If he found himself nude + With a gal in the mood +The question's not woody but could he? +% +There was a young fellow named Grant +Who was made like the sensitive plant. + When they asked "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could, but I can't." +% +There was a young fellow named Grimes +Who fucked his girl seventeen times + In the course of a week -- + And this isn't to speak +Of assorted venereal crimes. +% +There was a young fellow named Harry, +Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. + He grabbed him a virgin, + Who, without any urgin', +Immediately spread like a fairy. +% +There was a young fellow named Hatch +Who was fond of the music of Bach. + He said: "It's not fussy + Like Brahms and Debussy; +Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." +% +There was a young fellow named Kimble +Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, + But fragile and slender, + And dainty and tender, +So he kept it encased in a thimble. +% +There was a young fellow named Meek +Who invented a lingual technique. + It drove women frantic, + And made them romantic, +And wore all the hair off his cheek. +% +There was a young fellow named Morgan +Who possessed an unusual organ: + The end of his dong, + Which was nine inches long, +Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. +% +There was a young fellow named Paul +Who confessed, "I have only one ball. + But the size of my prick + Is God's dirtiest trick, +For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" +% +There was a young fellow named Pell +Who didn't like cunt very well. + He would finger or fuck one, + But never would suck one-- +He just couldn't get used to the smell. +% +There was a young fellow named Price +Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. + He had virgins and boys + And mechanical toys, +And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! +% +There was a young fellow named Prynne +Whose prick was so short and so thin, + His wife found she needed + A Fuckoscope -- she did -- +To see if he'd gotten it in. +% +There was a young fellow named Skinner +Who took a young lady to dinner + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +At twenty to ten it was in her. +The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. + +There was a young fellow named Tupper +Who took a young lady to supper. + At a quarter to nine, + They sat down to dine, +And at twenty to ten it was up her. +Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! +% +There was a young fellow named Sweeney, +Whose girl was a terrible meanie, + The hatch of her snatch, + Had a catch that would latch, +She could only be screwed by Houdini. +% +There was a young fellow of Burma +Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. + But now that he's married he's + Been using cantharides +And the root of their love is much firmer. +% +There was a young fellow of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + He had such a tool + It was wound on a spool, +And he reeled it out inich by inich. + +But this tale has an unhappy finich, +For due to the sand in the spinach + His ballocks grew rough + And wrecked his wife's muff, +And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. +% +There was a young fellow of Harrow +Whose john was the size of a marrow. + He said to his tart, + "How's this for a start? +My balls are outside in a barrow." +% +There was a young fellow of Kent +Whose prick was so long that it bent, + So to save himself trouble + He put it in double, +And instead of coming he went. +% +There was a young fellow of Mayence +Who fucked his own arse in defiance + Not only of custom + And morals, dad-bust him, +But of most of the known laws of science. +% +There was a young fellow of Perth +Whose balls were the finest on earth. + They grew to such size + That one won a prize, +And goodness knows what they were worth. +% +There was a young fellow of Strensall +Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. + On the night of his wedding + It went through the bedding, +And shattered the chamber utensil. +% +There was a young fellow of Warwick +Who had reason for feeling euphoric, + For he could by election + Have triune erection: +Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. +% +There was a young fellow whose dong +Was prodigiously massive and long. + On each side of his whang + Two testes did hang +That attracted a curious throng. +% +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. + A woman is fine, + And a sheep is divine, +But a llama is Numero Uno." +% +There was a young gaucho named Bruno +Who said, "There is one thing I do know, + Women are fine + And children devine, +But the llama is numero uno." +% +There was a young German named Ringer +Who was screwing an opera singer. + Said he with a grin, + "Well, I've sure got it in!" +Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" +% +There was a young girl from Annista +Who dated a lecherous mister. + He fondled her titty, + Got one finger shitty, +Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. +% +There was a young girl from Decatur +Who was raped by an alligator. + But no one quite knew + How she relished that screw, +For after he screwed her, he ate her. +% +There was a young girl from Dundee, +From her fanny there grew a plum tree. + No one ate the nice fruit, + To tell you the truth, +Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. +% +There was a young girl from East Lynn +Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) + Had filled up her crack + With hard-setting shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Who said, "You are utterly wrong + To say my vagina + Is the largest in China +Just because of your mean little dong." +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +% +There was a young girl from Medina +Who could completely control her vagina. + She could twist it around + Like the cunts that are found +In Japan, Manchukuo and China. +% +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. + +Till along came a man who presented +A tool that was strangely indented. + With a dizzying twirl + He punctured that girl, +And thus was the cork-screw invented. +% +There was a young girl from New York +Who plugged up her quim with a cork + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade, it is true, +But it totally baffled the stork. +% +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who had nothing whatever to do. + So she sat on the stairs, + And counted cunt hairs, +Four thousand, three hundred and two. +% +There was a young girl from Peru, +Who noticed her lovers were few; + So she walked out her door + With a fig leaf, no more, +And now she's in bed - with the flu. +% +There was a young girl from Samoa +Who pledged that no man would know her. + One young fellow tried, + But she wriggled aside, +And he spilled all his spermatozoa. +% +There was a young girl from Seattle, +Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. + But a bull from the South + Shot a wad in her mouth +That made both her ovaries rattle. +% +There was a young girl from Siam +Who said to her boyfriend Priam, + "To seduce me, of course, + You'll have to use force, +And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. +% +There was a young girl from St. Cyr +Whose reflex reactions were queer. + Her escort said, "Mable, + Get up off the table; +That money's to pay for the beer." +% +There was a young girl from St. Paul +Who went to a newspaper ball. + Her dress caught on fire + And burnt her entire +Front page and sport section and all. +% +There was a young girl from the Bronix +Who had a vagina of onyx. + She had so much `tsoris' + With her clitoris, +She traded it in for a Packard. +% +There was a young girl from the coast +Who, just when she needed it most, + Lost her Kotex and bled + All over the bed, +And the head and the beard of her host. +% +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who eked out a living through sin. + She didn't mind fucking, + But much preferred sucking, +And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. +% +There was a young girl in Berlin +Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. + Though he diddled his best, + And fucked her with zest, +She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" +% +There was a young girl in Dakota +Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: + "In addition to gas + We are rationing ass, +And you've greatly exceeded your quota." +% +There was a young girl name McKnight +Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. + She came to in bed, + With a split maidenhead-- +That's the last time she ever was tight. +% +There was a young girl named Ann Heuser +Who swore that no man could surprise her. + But Pabst took a chance, + Found a Schlitz in her pants, +And now she is sadder Budweiser. +% +There was a young girl named Heather +Whose twitcher was made out of leather. + She made a queer noise, + Which attracted the boys, +By flapping the edges together. +% +There was a young girl named McCall +Whose cunt was exceedingly small, + But the size of her anus + Was something quite heinous -- +It could hold seven pricks and one ball. +% +There was a young girl named O'Clare +Whose body was covered with hair. + It was really quite fun + To probe with one's gun, +For her quimmy might be anywhere. +% +There was a young girl named O'Malley +Who wanted to dance in the ballet. + She got roars of applause + When she kicked off her drawers, +But her hair and her bush didn't tally. +% +There was a young girl named Saphire +Who succumbed to her lovers desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who screwed every man that she kissed with. + She tickled the balls + Of the men in the halls, +And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. +% +There was a young girl of Aberystwyth +Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's sun, Jack, + Laid her flat on her back, +And united the organs they pissed with. +% +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. +% +There was a young girl of Asturias +With a penchant for practices curious. + She loved to bat rocks + With her gentlemen's cocks -- +A practice both rude and injurious. +% +There was a young girl of Batonger +who diddled herself with a conger, + When asked how it feels + To be pleasured by eels +She said, "Just like a man, only longer. +% +There was a young girl of Cah'lina, +Had a very capricious vagina: + To the shock of the fucker + "Twould suddenly pucker, +And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." +% +There was a young girl of Cape Cod +Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. + But it wasn't Jehovah + That turned the girl over, +'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, + the bugger, the bastard, the sod! +% +There was a young girl of Cape Town +Who usually fucked with a clown. + He taught her the trick + Of sucking his prick, +And when it went up -- she went down. +% +There was a young girl of Coxsaxie +Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. + She was fucked at the show + In the twenty-third row, +And once more going home in the taxi. +% +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +% +There was a young girl of Des Moines +Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, + Till a guy from Hoboken + Went and dropped in a token, +And now she rides free on the ferry. +% +There was a young girl of Detroit +Who at fucking was very adroit: + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point, or finer, +Or open it out like a quoit. + +And she had a friend named Durand +Whose cock could contract or expand. + He could diddle a midge + Or the arch of a bridge -- +Their performance together was grand! +% +There was a young girl of East Lynne +Whose mother, to save her from sin, + Had filled up her crack, + To the brim with shellac, +But the boys picked it out with a pin. +% +There was a young girl of Gibraltar +Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. + It really seems odd + That a virtuous God +Should answer her prayers and assault her. +% +There was a young girl of LLewellyn +Whose breasts were as big as a melon. + They were big it is true, + But her cunt was big too, +Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view +Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. +% +There was a young girl of Mobile, +Who hymen was made of chilled steel, + To give her a thrill, + Took a rotary drill, +Or a number nine emery wheel. +% +There was a young girl of Moline +Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. + She would work on a prick + With every known trick, +And finish by winking it clean. +% +There was a young girl of Newcastle +Whose charms were declared universal. + While one man in front + Wired into her cunt, +Another was engaged at her arsehole. +% +There was a young girl of Pawtucket +Whose box was as big as a bucket. + Her boy-friend said, "Toots, + I'll have to wear boots, +For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." +% +There was a young girl of Penzance +Who boarded a bus in a trance. + The passengers fucked her, + Likewise the conductor, +While the driver shot off in his pants. +% +There was a young girl of Pitlochry +Who was had by a man in a rockery. + She said, "Oh! You've come + All over my bum; +This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." +% +There was a young girl of Rangoon +Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. + "Well, it has been great fun," + She remarked when he'd done, +"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." +% +There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, +Whose people all thought her a virgin, + Till they found her in bed + With her twat very red, +And the head of a kid just emergin'. +% +There was a young girl, very sweet, +Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. + When she sat on their lap + She unbuttoned their flap, +And always had plenty to eat. +% +There was a young girl who begat +Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. + T'was fun in the breeding + But hell in the feeding +When she found there's no tit for Tat. +% +There was a young girl who begat +Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. + It was fun in the breeding, + But hell in the feeding, +When she found there was no tit for Tat. +% +There was a young harlot from Kew +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They'll pay to get out of it too." +% +There was a young harlot named Schwartz +Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, + And they tickled so nice + She drew a high price +From the studs at the summer resorts. + +Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, +Was seldom hard up for a diddle, + For according to rumor + His tool had a tumor +And a fine row of warts down the middle. +% +There was a young hayseed from Tiffan +Whose cock would constantly stiffen. + The knob out in front + Attracted foul cunt +Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. +% +There was a young idler named Blood, +Made a fortune performing at stud, + With a fifteen-inch peter, + A double-beat metre, +And a load like the Biblical Flood. +% +There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway +Whose screams could be heard for a block away. + Perceiving his error, + The Rabbi in terror +Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" +% +There was a young lad - name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan + Stop jerkin' your gherkin +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +% +There was a young lad from Nahant +Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. + When asked, "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. +I would if I could but I can't." +% +There was a young lad from Siam, +Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. + He loved them real small, + 'Cause they're funner to ball, +So he went out and bought him a lamb! +% +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +% +There was a young lad name of Ward +Who strung himself up with a cord + Said he, of his work + (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) +"I am leaving because I am bored." + - E.A. Guest +% +There was a young lad named McFee +Who was stung in the balls by a bee + He made oodles of money + By oozing pure honey +Every time he attempted to pee. +% +There was a young lady at sea +Who complained that it hurt her to pee. + Said the brawny old mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the cook and the captain and me." +% +There was a young lady at sea +Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." + "I see," said the mate, + "That accounts for the state +Of the captain, the purser, and me." +% +There was a young lady called Ciss +Who went to the river to piss. + A young man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt; +No wonder she thought it was bliss. +% +There was a young lady from Bangor +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor + She woke in dismay + When she heard the mate say: +"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" +% +There was a young lady from Bright, +Whose speed was much faster than light. + She went out one day + In a relative way +And returned on the previous night. +% +There was a young lady from Bristol +Who went to the Palace called Crystal. + Said she, "It's all glass, + And as round as my ass," +And she farted as loud as a pistol. +% +There was a young lady from Brussels +Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. + She could easily plex them + And so interflex them +As to whistle love songs through her bustles. +% +There was a young lady from Drew +Who ended her verse at line two. +% +There was a young lady from Dumfries +Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! + My navel's all bare, + So stick it in there, +Before both my legs and my bum freeze." +% +There was a young lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There was a young lady from Hyde +Who ate a green apple and died. + While her lover lamented + The apple fermented +And made cider inside her inside. +% +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +% +There was a young lady from Munich +Who had an affair with a eunuch. + At the height of their passion + He dealt her a ration +% +There was a young lady from Munich +Who had an affair with a eunuch. + At the height of their passion + He dealt her a ration +From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. +% +There was a young lady from Norway +Who hung by her heels in a doorway. + She told her young man, + "Get off the divan, +I think I've discovered one more way " +% +There was a young lady from Prentice +Who had an affair with a dentist. + To make things easier + He used anesthesia, +And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. +% +There was a young lady from Rheims +Who amazingly pissed in four streams. + A friend poked around + And a fly-button found +Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. +% +There was a young lady from Rio +Who slept with the Fornier trio. + As she dropped her panties + She said, "No andanties +I want this allegro con brio." +% +There was a young lady from Siam +Who said to her lover, one Kiam, + "You may kiss me of course, + But you'll have to use force. +Though god knows you're stronger than I am." +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Who demurely undressed on a train. + A helpful young porter + Helped more than he orter, +And she promptly cried "Help me again" +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Who got sick as she rode on a train; + Not once, but again, + And again, and again, +And again, and again, and again. +% +There was a young lady from Spain +Whose face was exceedingly plain, + But her cunt had a pucker + That made the men fuck her, +Again, and again, and again. +% +There was a young lady from Troy +Had a moustache, just like a young boy + Though it tickled to kiss + 'Twas a source of much bliss +When she used it to brush a man's toy. +% +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady from Wheeling +Who had a peculiar feeling. + She laid on her back + And tickled her crack +And pissed all over the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady from Wooster +Who complained that too many men gooster. + So she traded her scanties + For sandpaper panties, +Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. +% +There was a young lady in Reno, +Who lost all her dough playing Keno. + But she lay on her back, + And opened her crack, +So now she owns the Casino! +% +There was a young lady named Alice +Who was known to have peed in a chalice. + 'Twas the common belief + It was done for relief, +And not out of protestant malice. +% +There was a young lady named Astor +Who never let any get past her. + She finally got plenty + By stopping twenty, +Which certainly ought to last her. +% +There was a young lady named Banker, +Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, + She woke in dismay, + When she heard the mate say, +"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." +% +There was a young lady named Blount +Who had a rectangular cunt. + She learned for diversion + Posterior perversion, +Since no one could fit here in front. +% +There was a young lady named Bower +Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. + But a poet from Perth + Laid her flat on the earth, +And proceeded with penis to plough her. +% +There was a young lady named Brent +With a cunt of enormous extent, + And so deep and so wide, + The acoustics inside +Were so good you could hear when you spent. +% +There was a young lady named Bright +Who could travel much faster than light. + She took off one day, + In a relative way, +And returned on the previous night. +% +There was a young lady named Brook +Who never could learn how to cook. + But on a divan + She could please any man- +She knew every darn trick in the book! +% +There was a young lady named Cager +Who, as the result of a wager, + Consented to fart + The entire oboe part +Of Mozart's quartet in F major. +% +There was a young lady named Ciss +Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " + But she'll never restate, + For a wheel off her skate +.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM +% +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. +% +There was a young lady named Dot +Whose cunt was so terribly hot + That ten bishops of Rome + And the Pope's private gnome +Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. +% +There was a young lady named Duff +With a lovely, luxuriant muff. + In his haste to get in her + One eager beginner +Lost both of his balls in the rough. +% +There was a young lady named Etta +Who was constantly seen in a swetta. + Three reasons she had: + To keep warm wasn't bad, +But the other two reasons were betta. +% +There was a young lady named Fleager +Who was terribly, terribly eager + To be all the rage + On the tragedy stage, +Though her talents were pitifully meagre. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young lady named Flo +Whose lover had pulled out too slow. + So they tried it all night, + Till he got it just right... +Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. +% +There was a young lady named Flynn +Who thought fornication a sin, + But when she was tight + It seemed quite all right, +So everyone filled her with gin. +% +There was a young lady named Gilda +Who went on a date with a builder. + He said that he would, + And he could and he should, +And he did and it damn well near killed her. +% +There was a young lady named Gloria +Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +There was a young lady named Gloria, +Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" + She replied to the chap, + "I'll draw you a map, +Of where others have been to before ya." +% +There was a young lady named Grace +Who would not take a prick in her "place." + Though she'd kiss it and suck it, + She never would fuck it-- +She just couldn't relax face-to-face. +% +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. +% +There was a young lady named Hatch +Who would always come through in a scratch. + If a guy wouldn't neck her, + She'd grab up his pecker +And shove the damn thing up her snatch. +% +There was a young lady named Mable +Who liked to sprawl out on the table, + Then cry to her man, + "Stuff in all you can -- +Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." +% +There was a young lady named Mandel +Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal + By coming out bare + On the main village square +And frigging herself with a candle. +% +There was a young lady named Maud, +A terrible society fraud: + In company, I'm told, + She was distant and cold, +But if you got her alone, Oh God! +% +There was a young lady named May +Who strolled in a park by the way, + And she met a youg man + Who fucked her and ran -- +Now she goes to the park every day. +% +There was a young lady named Nance +Who learned about fucking in France, + And when you'd insert it + She'd squeeze till she hurt it, +And shoved it right back in your pants. +% +There was a young lady named Nelly +Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. + They could tickle her twat + Or be tied in a knot, +And could even swat flies on her belly. +% +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was raped three times in a hansom + When she cried out for more + Said a voice from the floor, +"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson +% +There was a young lady named Ransom +Who was rogered three times in a hansom. + When she cried out for more + A voice from the floor +Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." +% +There was a young lady named Riddle +Who had an untouchable middle. + She had many friends + Because of her ends, +Since it isn't the middle you diddle. +% +There was a young lady named Rose +Who fainted whenever she chose; + She did so one day + While playing croquet, +But was quickly revived with a hose. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young lady named Rose +With erogenous zones in her toes. + She remained onanistic + Till a foot-fetishistic +Young man became one of her beaux. +% +There was a young lady named Schneider +Who often kept trysts with a spider. + She found a strange bliss, + In the hiss of her piss, +As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. +% +There was a young lady named Smith +Whose virtue was largely a myth. + She said, "Try as I can + I can't find a man +Who it's fun to be virtuous with." +% +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +% +There was a young lady named Wylde +Who kept herself quite undefiled + By thinking of Jesus; + Contagious diseases; +And the bother of having a child. +% +There was a young lady of Arden, +The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. + Said she with a frown, + "I've been sadly let down +By the tool of a fool in a garden." +% +There was a young lady of Bicester +Who was nicer by far than her sister: + The sister would giggle + And wiggle and jiggle, +But this one would come if you kissed her. +% +There was a young lady of Brabant +Who slept with an impotent savant. + She admitted, "We shouldn't, + But it turned out he couldn't- +So you can't say we have when we haven't." +% +There was a young lady of Bude +Who walked down the street in the nude. + A bobby said, "Whattum + Magnificent bottom!" +And slapped it as hard as he could. +% +There was a young lady of Carmia +Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. + At every cold snap + She would climb in your lab, +So her little base burner could warm ya. +% +There was a young lady of Dee +Who went down to the river to pee. + A man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt, +And God! how I wish it were me. +% +There was a young lady of Dee +Whose hymen was split into three. + And when she was diddled + The middle string fiddled : +"Nearer My God To Thee." +% +There was a young lady of Dexter +Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, + For whenever they'd start + He'd unfailingly fart +With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. +% +There was a young lady of Dover +Whose passion was such that it drove her + To cry, when you came, + "Oh dear! What a shame! +Well, now we shall have to start over." +% +There was a young lady of Ealing +And her lover before her was kneeling. + Said she, "Dearest Jim, + Take your hands off my quim; +I much prefer fucking to feeling." +% +There was a young lady of fashion +Who had oodles and oodles of passion. + To her lover she said, + As they climbed into bed, +"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" +% +There was a young lady of Fez +Who was known to the public as "Jez." + Jezebel was her name, + Sucking cocks was the game +She excelled at (so everyone says). +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump - +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump - +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gaza +Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. + The crabs, in a lump, + Made tracks to her rump-- +This passing parade did amaze her. +% +There was a young lady of Gloucester, +Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. + She wasn't much hurt, + But he dirtied her skirt, +So think of the anguish it cost her. +% +There was a young lady of Gloucester +Whose friends they thought they had lost her + Till they found on the grass + The marks of her arse, +And the knees of the man who had crossed her. +% +There was a young lady of Kent, +Who admitted she knew what it meant + When men asked her to dine, + And plied her with wine, +She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! +% +There was a young lady of Lee +Who scrambled up into a tree, + When she got there + Her arsehole was bare, +And so was her C U N T. +% +There was a young lady of Lincoln +Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, + So she had a prick lent her + Which turned it magenta, +This artful old lady of Lincoln. +% +There was a young lady of Natchez +Who chanced to be born with two snatches, + And she often said, "Shit! + Why, I'd give either tit +For a man with equipment that matches." + +There was a young fellow named Locke +Who was born with a two-headed cock. + When he'd fondle the thing + It would rise up and sing +An antiphonal chorus by Bach. + +But whether these two ever met +Has not been recorded as yet, + Still, it would be diverting + To see him inserting +His whang while it sang a duet. +% +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me Joe +I think I've discovered one more way." +% +There was a young lady of Rhyll +In an omnibus was taken ill, + So she called the conductor, + Who got in and fucked her, +Which did more good than a pill. +% +There was a young lady of Spain +Who took down her pants on a train. + There was a young porter + Saw more than he orter, +And asked her to do it again. +% +There was a young lady of Spain +Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. + They did it again + And again and again, +And again and again and again. +% +There was a young lady of Twickenham +Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. + On her knees every day + To God she would pray +To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. +% +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Said to her beau, "I've a feeling + My little brown jug + Has need of a plug" -- +And straightaway she started to peeling. +% +There was a young lady of Wheeling +Who professed to lack sexual feeling. + But a cynic named Boris + Just touched her clitoris, +And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. +% +There was a young lady who said, +As her bridegroom got into the bed, + "I'm tired of this stunt, + That they do with one's cunt, +You can get up my bottom instead." +% +There was a young lady whose cunt +Could accomodate a small punt. + Her mother said, "Annie, + It matches your fanny, +Which never was that of a runt." +% +There was a young lady whose thighs, +When spread showed a slit of such size, + And so deep and so wide, + You could play cards inside, +Much to her bridegroom's surprise. +% +There was a young lass from Surat. +The cheeks of her ass were so fat + That they had to be parted + Whenever she farted, +And also whenever she shat. +% +There was a young lass from Surat. +The cheeks of her ass were so fat + That they had to be parted + Whenever she farted, +And also whenever she shat. +% +There was a young laundress named Wrangle +Whose tits tilted up at an angle. + "They may tickle my chin," + She said with a grin, +"But at least they keep out of the mangle." +% +There was a young maiden from Osset +Whose quim was nine inches across it. + Said a young man named Tong, + With tool nine inches long, +"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." +% +There was a young man from Bear Ridge +Who had strange ideas about marriage. + He fucked his wife's mother + And sucked off her brother +And ate up her sister's miscarriage. +% +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair. + But the banister broke + So he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +% +There was a young man from Bengal +Who claimed he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Pulled down this man's breeches +And proved he had nothing at all. +% +There was a young man from Biloxi +Whose bowels responded to Moxie. + Drinking glass after glass, + He would tune up his ass, +Till he played like the band at the Roxy. +% +There was a young man from Bombay +Who fashioned a cunt out of clay + But the heat of his prick + Turned it into a brick +And rubbed all his foreskin away. +% +There was a young man from Boston +Who rode around in an Austin. + There was room for his ass + And a gallon of gas, +But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. +% +There was a young man from Calcutta +Who was heard in his beard to mutter, + "If her Bartholin glands + Don't respond to my hands, +I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." +% +There was a young man from Dallas +Who had an exceptional phallus. + He couldn't find room + In any girl's womb +Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. +% +There was a young man from Dundee +Who buggered an ape in a tree. + The results were quite horrid: + All ass and no forehead, +Three balls and a purple goatee. +% +There was a young man from East Lizes +Whose balls were of two different sizes + One was so small + It was no ball at all +The other was large and won prizes. +% +There was a young man from East Wubley +Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. + Each quadruplicate shaft + Had two balls hanging aft, +And the general effect was quite lovely. + +There was a young man from Hong Kong +Who had a trifurcated prong: + A small one for sucking, + A large one for fucking, +And a `boney' for beating a gong. +% +There was a young man from Glengozzle +Who found a remarkable fossil. + He knew by the bend + And the wart on the end, +'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. +% +There was a young man from Jodhpur +Who found he could easily cure + His dread diabetes + By eating a foetus +Served up in a sauce of manure. +% +There was a young man from Kent +Whose tool was so long that it bent. + To save himself trouble + He put it in double +And instead of coming, he went. +% +There was a young man from Lynn +Whose cock was the size of a pin. + Said his girl with a laugh + As she felt his staff, +"This won't be much of a sin." +% +There was a young man from Maine +Whose prick was as strong as a crane; + It was almost as long, + So he strolled with his dong +Extended in sunshine and rain. +% +There was a young man from Nantucket +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + But he looked in the glass, + And saw his own ass, +And broke his neck trying to fuck it. +% +There was a young man from Nantucket +Whose cock was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin, + While wiping his chin, +"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." +% +There was a young man from New Haven +Who had an affair with a raven. + He said with a grin + As he wiped off his chin, +"Nevermore!" +% +There was a young man from Peru, +Who took a long trip by canoe. + While staring at Venus, + And rubbing his penis, +He wound up with a handful of goo. +% +There was a young man from Purdue +Who was only just learning to screw, + But he hadn't the knack, + And he got too far back -- +In the right church, but in the wrong pew. +% +There was a young man from Racine +Who invented a fucking machine. + Concave or convex, + It served either sex, +But oh what a bitch to keep clean. +% +There was a young man from Rangoon +Who used to lament 'neath the moon + That he had the luck + To be born of a fuck +That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. +% +There was a young man from Salinas +Who had an extremely long penis: + Believe it or not, + When he lay on his cot +It reached from Marin to Martinez. +% +There was a young man from Seattle +Whose testicles tended to rattle. + He said as he fuck-ed + Some stones in a bucket, +"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." +% +There was a young man from Siam +Who said, "I go in with a wham, + But I soon lose my starch + Like the mad month of March, +And the lion comes out like a lamb." +% +There was a young man from St. Paul's +Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" + Till he grew such a passion + For feminine fashion +That he knitted a snood for his balls. +% +There was a young man from Stamboul +Who boasted so torrid a tool + That each female crater + Explored by this satyr +Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. +% +There was a young man from Tibet- +And this is the strangest one yet- + Whose tool was so long, + So pointed and strong, +He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". +% +There was a young man in Havana, +Banged his girl on a player-piana. + At the height of their fever + Her ass hit the lever +And: yes, he has no banana. +% +There was a young man in Norway, +Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, + But the air was so frigid + It froze his cock rigid, +And all he could come was frappe. +% +There was a young man in the choir +Whose penis rose higher and higher, + Till it reached such a height + It was quite out of sight -- +But of course you know I'm a liar. +% +There was a young man, name of Fred, +Who spent every Thursday in bed; + He lay with his feet + Outside of the sheet, +And the pillows on top of his head. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young man, name of Saul, +Who was able to bounce either ball, + He could stretch them and snap them, + And juggle and clap them, +Which earned him the plaudits of all. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch + So she threw the switch, +And Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + Yeah, she threw the switch, +And Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man named Hughes +Who swore off all kinds of booze. + He said, "When I'm muddled + My senses get fuddled, +And I pass up too many screws." +% +There was a young man named Knute +Who had warts all over his root. + He put acid on these + And now when he pees, +He fingers the thing like a flute. +% +There was a young man named Laplace +Whose balls were made out of spun glass. + When they banged together + They played "Stormy Weather" +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There was a young man named McNamiter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + But it wasn't the size + Gave the girls a surprise, +But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There was a young man named Rex +Who really was small for his sex. + When tried for exposure + The judge's disclosure +Was "de minimus non curat lex." +% +There was a young man named Zerubbabel +Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. + When they asked if his pleasure + Was only half measure, +He replied, "That is highly improbable." +% +There was a young man named Zerubbabub +Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club + But the pride of his life + Were the tits of his wife -- +One real, and one India-rubber bub. +% +There was a young man of Arras +Who stretched himself out on the grass, + And with no little trouble, + He bent himself double, +And stuck his prick well up his ass. +% +There was a young man of Australia +Who went on a wild bacchanalia. + He buggered a frog, + Two mice and a dog, +And a bishop in fullest regalia. +% +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. + I will suck, without charge, + Any cock, if it's large. +If it's small, I expect to be paid." +% +There was a young man of Belgrade +Who slept with a girl in the trade. + She said to him, "Jack, + Try the hole in the back; +The front one is badly decayed." +% +There was a young man of Bengal +Who swore he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Unbuttoned his britches, +And found he had no balls at all. +% +There was a young man of Bombay +Who buggered his dad once a day. + He said, "I like, rather, + Fucking my father -- +He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." +% +There was a young man of Calcutta, +Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. + When he got to c-u, + A pious Hindoo +Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. +% +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. +% +There was a young man of Coblenz +Whose ballocks were simply immense: + It took forty-four draymen, + A priest and three laymen +To carry them thither and thence. +% +There was a young man of Darjeeling +Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. + In the electric light socket, + He'd put it and rock it-- +Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! +% +There was a young man of Devizes +Whose balls were of different sizes. + His tool when at ease, + Hung down to his knees, +Oh, what must it be when it rises! +% +There was a young man of Devizes, +Whose balls were of different sizes. + One was so small, + It was nothing at all; +The other took numerous prizes. +% +There was a young man of Dumfries +Who said to his girl, "If you please, + It would give me great bliss + If, while playing with this, +You would pay some attention to these!" +% +There was a young man of Greenwich +Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + So long was his tool + That it wound round a spool, +And he let it out inach by inach. +% +There was a young man of high station +Who was found by a pious relation + Making love in a ditch + To -- I won't say a bitch -- +But a woman of no reputation. +% +There was a young man of Khartoum, +The strength of whose balls was his doom. + So strong was his shootin', + The third law of Newton +Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. +% +There was a young man of Khartoum +Who lured a poor girl to her doom. + He not only fucked her, + But buggered and sucked her-- +And left her to pay for the room. +% +There was a young man of Kildare +Who was fucking a girl on the stair. + The bannister broke, + But he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +% +There was a young man of Kutki +Who could blink himself off with one eye. + For a while though, he pined, + When his organ declined +To function, because of a stye. +% +There was a young man of Lahore +Whose prick was one inch and no more. + It was all right for key-holes + And little girl's pee-holes, +But not worth a damn with a whore. +% +There was a young man of Lake Placid +Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. + When he wanted to sport + He would have to resort +To injections of sulphuric acid. +% +There was a young man of Madras +Whose balls were constructed of brass. + When jangled together + They played "Stormy Weather", +And lightning shot out of his ass. +% +There was a young man of Missouri +Who fucked with a terrible fury. + Till hauled into court + For his beastial sport, +And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. +% +There was a young man of Natal +And Sue was the name of his gal. + One day, north of Aden, + He got his hard rod in, +And came clear up Suez Canal. +% +There was a young man of Natal +Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. + Said she, "You're a sluggard!" + Said he, "You be buggered! +I like to fuck slow and I shall." +% +There was a young man of Ostend +Who let a girl play with his end. + She took hold of Rover, + And felt it all over, +And it did what she didn't intend. +% +There was a young man of Ostend +Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. + "It's no use, my duck, + Interrupting our fuck, +For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." +% +There was a young man of Saskatchewan, +Whose penis was truly gargantuan. + It was good for large whores, + And for small dinosaurs, +And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. +% +There was a young man of Seattle +Who bested a bull in a battle. + With fire and gumption + He assumed the bull's function, +And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. +% +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." +% +There was a young man of Tibet +-- And this is the strangest one yet -- + His prick was so long, + And so pointed and strong, +He could bugger six sheep en brochette. +% +There was a young man of Toulouse +Who had a deficient prepuce, + But the foreskin he lacked + He made up in his sac; +The result was, his balls were too loose. +% +There was a young man who appeared +To his friends with a full growth of beard; + They at once said, "Although + We can't say why it's so, +The effect is uncommonly weird." + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young man who said "God, +I find it exceedingly odd, + That the willow oak tree + Continues to be, +When there's no one about in the Quad." + +"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, +For I'm always about in the Quad; + And that's why the tree, + Continues to be," +Signed "Yours faithfully, God." +% +There was a young man with a fiddle +Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" + She replied, "Yes, I do, + But prefer to with two -- +It's twice as much fun in the middle." +% +There was a young man with a prick +Which into his wife he would stick + Every morning and night + If it stood up all right -- +Not a very remarkable trick. + +His wife had a nice little cunt: +It was hairy, and soft, and in front, + And with this she would fuck him, + Though sometimes she'd suck him -- +A charming, if commonplace, stunt. +% +There was a young man with one foot +Who had a very long root. + If he used this peg + As an extra leg +Is a question exceedingly moot. +% +There was a young miss from Johore +Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; + In a manner uncanny + She'd wobble her fanny, +And drain your nuts dry to the core. +% +There was a young monk from Siberia +Whose life got drearia' and drearia' + Till he did to a nun + What shouldn't be done +And made her a mother superia'. +% +There was a young monk from Tibet +And this is the damnedest one yet + His cock was so long + And incredibly strong +That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. +% +There was a young monk in Siberia, +Whose morals were very inferior, + He jumped on a nun + Which he shouldn't have done, +And now she's a Mother Superior. +% +There was a young monk of Dundee +Who complained that it hurt him to pee, + He said, "Pax vobiscum, + Now why won't the piss come? +I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." +% +There was a young parson of Harwich, +Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. + She said, "No, you young goose, + Just try self-abuse. +And the other we'll try after marriage." +% +There was a young peasant named Gorse +Who fell madly in love with his horse. + Said his wife, "You rapscallion, + That horse is a stallion -- +This constitutes grounds for divorce." +% +There was a young person of Kent +Who was famous wherever he went. + All the way through a fuck, + He would quack like a duck, +And he crowed like a cock when he spent. +% +There was a young physicist named Fisk +Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. + So quick was his action, + The Lorentz Contraction +Shortened his rod to a disc !! +% +There was a young plumber named Lee +Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. + She said, "Stop your plumbing, + There's somebody coming" +Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know, +It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that + Last line that I can." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know. +It's because I try to put every single +syllable into the last line that I possibly, +possibly can." +% +There was a young royal marine, +Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". + When he reached the soprano + Out came only guano +And his britches weren't fit to be seen. +% +There was a young sailor from Brighton, +Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole; +There's plenty of room in the right one." +% +There was a young sailor from Brighton +Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole +There's plenty of room in the right'un." +% +There was a young sapphic named Anna +Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, + Which she sucked, bit by bit, + From her partner's warm slit, +In the most approved lesbian manner. +% +There was a young Scot in Madrid +Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. + When they said, "Are you faint?" + He replied, "No, I ain't, +But I don't feel as good as I did." +% +There was a young soldier from Munich +Whose penis hung down past his tunic, + And their chops girls would lick + When they thought of his prick, +But alas! he was only a eunuch. +% +There was a young sportsman named Peel +Who went for a trip on his wheel; + He pedalled for days + Through crepuscular haze, +And returned feeling somewhat unreal. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young squaw of Wohunt +Who possessed a collapsible cunt. + It had many odd uses, + Produced no papooses, +And fitted both giant and runt. +% +There was a young student from Yale +Who was getting his first piece of tail. + He shoved in his pole, + But in the wrong hole, +And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" +% +There was a young trollop at Yale, +Who had verses tattooed on her tail, + And on her behind, + For the sake of the blind, +A duplicate version in Braille. +% +There was a young whore from Kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +% +There was a young woman called Pearl +Who quite resembled a churl; + When she asked a young man named Tex + Whether he would like to have sex, +"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" +% +There was a young woman from Bude, +Who went for a swim in the nude, + But a man in a punt, + Grabbed at her elbow, +And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." +% +There was a young woman in Dee +Who stayed with each man she did see. + When it came to a test + She wished to be best, +And practice makes perfect, you see. +% +There was a young woman named Alice +Who peed in a Catholic chalice. + She said, "I do this + From a great need to piss, +And not from sectarian malice." +% +There was a young woman named Ells +Who was subject to curious spells + When got up very oddly, + She'd cry out things ungodly +by the palms in expensive hotels. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young woman named Florence +Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, + But they found her in bed + With her cunt flaming red, +And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. +% +There was a young woman named Plunnery +Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. + Till one day unobservant, + She blew up a servant, +And was forced to retire to a nunnery. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was a young woman named Sutton +Who said, as she carved up the mutton, + "My father preferred + The last sheep in the herd -- +This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." +% +There was a young woman of Cheadle, +Who once gave the clap to a beadle. + Said she, "Does it itch?" + "It does, you damned bitch, +And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." +% +There was a young woman of Condover +Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. + Her pussy was juicy, + Her arse soft and goosey, +But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. +% +There was a young woman of Croft +Who played with herself in a loft, + Having reasoned that candles + Could never cause scandals, +Besides which they did not go soft. + +Said another young woman of Croft, +Amusing herself in the loft, + "A salami or wurst + Is what I'd choose first -- +With bologna you know you've been boffed." +% +There was a young woman, quite handsome, +Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. + When she offered much gold + For release, she was told +That the view was worth more than the ransom. +% +There was a young woman whose stammer +Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; + But they were not improved + When her husband was moved +To knock out her teeth with a hammer. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There was an old abbess quite shocked +To find nuns where the candles were locked. + Said the abbess, "You nuns + Should behave more like guns, +And never go off till you're cocked." +% +There was an old bishop from Buckingham +Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. + His wife with distain + Could scarcely restrain +That sprightly old bishop from * * *. +% +There was an old count of Swoboda +Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. + So, with great savoir-faire, + She stood on a chair +And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. +% +There was an old curate of Hestion +Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. + But so small was his tool + He could scarce screw a spool, +And a cunt was quite out of the question. +% +There was an old fellow named Art +Who awoke with a horrible start, + For down by his rump + Was a generous lump +Of what should have been just a fart. +% +There was an old fellow named Skinner +Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. + But still, by and large, + It would always discharge +Once he could just get it in her. +% +There was an old feminine blighter +Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. + She would cream her own pool + While she sucked off his tool -- +How his cock in her cunt would excite her! +% +There was an old gent from Kentuck +Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, + But he put it away + For fear that one day +He might put it in and get stuck. +% +There was an old girl of Kilkenny +Whose usual charge was a penny. + For half of that sum + You could finger her bum-- +A source of amusement to many. +% +There was an old harlot from Dijon +Who in her old age got religion. + "When I'm dead & gone," + Said she, "I'll take on +The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." +% +There was an old hermit named Dave +Who kept a dead whore in his cave. + He said "I'll admit + I'm a bit of a shit, +But look at the money I save." +% +There was an old lady of Bingly +Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. + I thought I had got + A bloke for my twat, +But he seems rather queenly than kingly." +% +There was an old lady of Glascow, +Whose party proved quite a fiasco. + At nine-thirty, about, + The lights all went out, +Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. +% +There was an old lady of Kewry +Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': + The `introitus vaginae', + Was unnaturally tiny, +And the thought of it filled her with fury. +% +There was an old lady who lay +With her legs wide apart in the hay, + Then, calling the ploughman, + She said, "Do it now, man! +Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." +% +There was an old maid from Cape Cod +Who thought all good things came from god. + But it wasn't the almighty + Who lifted her nighty, +It was Roger, the lodger, by god. +% +There was an old man from Bengal +Who liked to do tricks in the hall. + His favorite trick + Was to stand on his dick +While he rolled around on one ball. +% +There was an old man from Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + Or his fingers and toes +And he came thru a hole in his tooth. +% +There was an old man from Fort Drum +Whose son was incredibly dumb. + When he urged him ahead, + He went down instead, +For he thought to succeed meant succumb. +% +There was an old man of Alsace +Who played the trombone with his ass. + He put in a trap + To take out the crap, +But the vapors corroded the brass. +% +There was an old man of Brienz +The length of whose cock was immense: + With one swerve he could plug + A boy's bottom in Zug, +And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. +% +There was an old man of Cajon +Who never could get a good bone. + With the aid of a gland + It grew simply grand; +Now his wife cannot leave it alone. +% +There was an old man of Calcutta +Who spied through a chink in the shutter. + But all he could see + Was his wife's bare knee, +And the back of the bloke who was up her. +% +There was an old man of Connaught +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." +% +There was an old man of Duddee +Who came home as drunk as could be. + He wound up the clock + With the end of his cock, +And buggered his wife with the key. +% +There was an old man of Duluth +Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + And with fingers and toes, +And he came through a hole in his tooth. +% +There was an old man of Hong Kong +Who never did anything wrong. + He would lie on his back + With his head in a sack +And secretly finger his dong. +% +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When asked, "Does it hurt?" + He relied, "No, it doesn't. +I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." +% +There was an old man of St. Bees, +Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. + When asked, "Does it hurt?" + He relied, "No, it doesn't. +I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." + -- W.S. Gilbert +% +There was an old man of Tagore +Whose tool was a yard long or more, + So he wore the damn thing + In a surgical sling +To keep it from wiping the floor. +% +There was an Old Man of the Mountain +Who frigged himself into a fountain + Fifteen times had he spent, + Still he wasn't content, +He simply got tired of the counting. +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old man who said, "Tush! +My balls always hang in the brush, + And I fumble about, + Half in and half out, +With a pecker as limber as mush." +% +There was an old man with a beard +Who said, "It is just what I feared! + Two owls and a hen, + Four larks and a wren +Have all built their nests in my beard!" +% +There was an old person of Ware +Who had an affair with a bear. + He explained, "I don't mind, + For it's gentle and kind, +But I wish it had slightly less hair." +% +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates + He fell on his cutlass + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +% +There was an old satyr named Mack +Whose prick had a left handed tack. + If the ladies he loves + Don't spin when he shoves, +Their cervixes frequently crack. +% +There was an old Scot named McTavish +Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. + The object of rape + Was the wrong sex of ape, +And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. +% +There was an old whore from Silesia +Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, + For a slight extra sum + You can go up my bum +But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." +% +There was an old whore in the Azores +Whose body was covered with festers & sores. + Why the dogs in the street + Wouldn't eat the green meat +That hung in festoons from her drawers. +% +There was an old woman of Ghent +Who swore that her cunt had no scent. + She got fucked so often + At last she got rotten, +And didn't she stink when she spent. +% +There was once a mechanic named Bench +Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. + With this vibrant device + He could reach, in a trice, +The innermost parts of a wench. +% +There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel +Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife-- + Why it ruins my life; +And the worst is, they all do it well. +% +There were three ladies of Huxham, +And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, + And when that game grows stale + We sits on a rail, +And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. +% +There were three young ladies of Birmingham, +And this is the scandal concerning 'em. + They lifted the frock + And tickled the cock +Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. + +Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, +He'd been to a good public school, + So he took down their britches + And buggered those bitches +With his ten-inch episcopal tool. + +Then up spoke a lady from Kew, +And said, as the Bishop withdrew, + "The vicar is quicker + And thicker and slicker, +And longer and stronger than you." + -- Abuses of the Clergy +% +There's a charming young girl in Tobruk +Who refers to her quiff as a nook. + It's deep and it's wide, + -- You can curl up inside +With a nice easy chair and a book. +% +There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu +Who's often been screwed by yours truly, + But now--it's appallin'-- + My balls always fall in! +I fear that I've fucked her unduly. +% +There's a dowager near Sweden Landing +Whose manners are odd and demanding. + It's one of her jests + To suck off her guests -- +She hates to keep gentlemen standing. +% +There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock +Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, + But her cunt's got a pucker + That's best not to fuck, or +When least you expect it to, it'll lock. +% +There's a rather odd couple in Herts +Who are cousins (or so each asserts); + Their sex is in doubt + For they're never without +Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. + -- Edward Gorey +% +There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, +Who's been coxing the varsity crew. + In the shell Sue is great, + But her boyfriend's irate, +When she calls out the stroke as they screw. +% +There's a tavern in London that's staffed, +By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: + In her striving to please, + She serves ale on her knees, +So the patrons get head with their draft. +% +There's a very hot babe at the Aggies +Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. + The seniors go round + Hanging down to the ground, +And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. +% +There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, +Since his shocking perversions are various... + He will bugger some lad + With a dildo (the cad!) +While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" +% +There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, +Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. + When one pireg is shot, + There's that alternate twat, +But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. +% +There's an oversexed lady named Whyte +Who insists on a dozen a night. + A fellow named Cheddar + Had the brashness to wed her- +His chance of survival is slight. +% +There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, +Exceedingly hard to get onto, + But when you get there, + And have parted the hair, +You can fuck her as much as you want to. +% +They had come in the fugue to the stretto +When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto + Slipped forward and grabbed + Her tresses and stabbed +Her to death with a rusty stiletto. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, +Was to do what man normally does, + She declared, "I'm a Soul- + Not a sexual goal!" +So he shrugged and called someone who was. +% +Though most of the crewmen are whites, +Uhura has full equal rights. + Her crewmates, you see, + Love De-mo-cra-cy, +And the way that she fills out her tights. +% +Though the invalid Saint of Brac +Lay all of his life on his back, + His wife got her share, + And the pilgrims now stare +At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. +% +'Tis a custom in Castellamare +To fuck in the back of a lorry. + The chassis and springs + Are like woodwinds and strings +In the midst of a musical soiree. +% +To a weepy young woman in Thrums +Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes + Of allowing your tears + To fall into my ears - +I think they have rotted the drums." + -- Edward Gorey +% +To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. +Their fertility was somewhat unstable. + He constructed a bed + Out of tree trunks and said, +"Even adders can multiply on a log table." +% +To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! +Your cunt is as big as a dish!" + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool +It's like driving a nail with a fish!" +% +To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : +"I trust you will show some forbearance. + My sexual habits + I picked up from rabbits, +And occasionally watching my parents." +% +To his bride said economist Fife : +"The semen you'll launch as my wife, + We will salvage and freeze + To resemble goat's cheese, +And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." +% +To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Has the east tit the least bit + The best of the west tit, +Or is it the faulty perspective?" +% +To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, +"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Is your east tit the least bit + The best of your west tit, +Or is it a trick of perspective?" +% +To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, +As he poured his post-prandial tipple, + "Your mother's behaviour + Gave pain to Our Saviour, +And that's why He made you a cripple." + -- Edward Gorey +% +Two anglers were fishing off Wight +And his bobber was dipping all night. + Murmured she, with a laugh, + "It's ready to gaff, +But don't break your rod which is light." + +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. + +As two consular clerks in Madras +Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, + "What a marvelous pole," + Said she, "but control +Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." +% +Two eager young men from Cawnpore +Once buggared and fucked the same whore. + But her partition split + And the blood and the shit +Rolled out in a mess on the floor. +% +Two roosters in one of our pens +Found their pricks were no larger than wens. + As they looked at their foreskins + And wished they had more skins, +They discovered they'd both become hens. +% +Under the spreading chestnut tree +The village smith he sat, + Amusing himself + By abusing himself +And catching the load in his hat. +% +Une joile epousetta a Tours +Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. + Mais le mari disait, "Non! + De trop n'est pas bon! +Mon derriere exige du secours!" +% +Visas erat: huic geminarum +Dispar modus testicularum: + Minor haec nihili, + Palma triplici, +Jam fecerat altera clarum. +% +We dedicate this to the cunt, +The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : + All hail to the twat, + Willing, thrilling, and hot, +That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! +% +When I was a baby, my penis +Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. + But now 'this as red + As her nipples instead-- +All because of the feminie genus! +% +When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, +Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, + "Was he modest or vain?" + "Was he regal or plain?" +She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" +% +When you fuck little Annie in Anza +You get a great bossom bonanza: + Sucking Annie's soft tits + Makes her throw fifty fits, +And the fuck is a sextravaganza! +% +While his duchess lay practically dead, +The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: + "Can it be this is all? + How puny! How small! +Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." + -- Edward Gorey +% +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +% +While out on a date in his Fiat, +The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" + As he bent down to seek, + She let out a shriek: +"That's not where it's likely to be at." +% +While spending the winter at Pau +Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." + So the head-porter made her + And the second-cook laid her; +The waiters were all hanging low. +% +While Titian was mixing rose madder, +His model reclined on a ladder. + Her position to Titian + Suggested coition, +So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. +% +While travelling in farthest Tibet, +Lord Irongate found cause to regret + The buttered-up tea, + A pain in his knee, +And the frivolous tourists he met. + -- Edward Gorey +% +Winter is here with his grouch, +The time when you sneeze and you slouch. + You can't take your women + Canoein' or swimmin', +But a lot can be done on a couch. +% +With his penis in turgid erection, +And aimed at woman's mid-section, + Man looks most uncouth + In that Moment of Truth, +But she sheathes it with loving affection. +% +You Women's Lib gals won't agree, +But dependent on men you must be: + You'll need a him + With a rod firm and trim, +To puggle your water-drains free! +% +Young Frederick the great was a beaut. +To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. + If you'll come to my palace, + I'll finger your phallus, +And then I shall blow on your flute." +% +You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, +Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : + He buggers the choir + As they sing "Ave Maria," +And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. +% diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b3f5a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.fake @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this +system. For further details, contact your system administrator. diff --git a/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real new file mode 100644 index 0000000..769e902 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/datfiles/unamerican-o.real @@ -0,0 +1,385 @@ +SHUT UP HIPPY +% +YOU'RE ALL SHEEP +% +SELL ME DRUGS +% +TELEVISION LOVES ME +% +DON'T POSTPONE JOY +% +FUCK SLOGANS +% +COFFEE NOW DAMMIT +% +THIS WORLD IS SHIT +% +SMASH THE STATE +% +DARN THE GOV'T +% +WHITEY WILL PAY +% +MY JOB SUCKS ASS +% +BAD SEX SUCKS +% +I'M FUCKING METAL +% +I WORSHIP SATAN HA HA +% +ADULTS ARE DUMB +% +WE'RE DOOMED +% +DON'T GET CAUGHT +% +THE END IS NEAR +% +GOD IS OBSOLETE +% +FUCK YOU, GOD +% +NO MORE BULLSHIT +% +WARM THE GLOBE +% +JESUS HATES ME +% +FUCK WORK +% +DRUGS HELP ALOT +% +COPS SMELL FUNNY +% +WEIRDOS UNITE! +% +MICROSOFT MUST DIE +% +WHY DOES SCHOOL SUCK? +% +MY BOSS IS A JERK +% +JESUS JUST LEFT +% +REBOOT AMERICA +% +DESTROY CAPITALISM +% +I HATE THE RICH +% +I AM AN ANARCHIST +% +BOMB THE MALL +% +WAKE THE FUCK UP +% +DOPE SMOKIN' MORON +% +KIDS LOVE SATAN +% +THE SYSTEM'S FUCKED +% +WOMEN WILL RISE +% +FUCK SCHOOL +% +I HATE COMPUTERS +% +LIFE ISN'T FAIR +% +POLITICS ARE BORING +% +NO CHANGE SORRY +% +GOOD FOR NOTHING +% +RACISM IS TYPICAL +% +YOU'RE A SEXIST +% +BORED +% +BROKE +% +WAGE-SLAVE +% +MAKE IT STOP +% +FUCK ART LET'S KILL +% +END CIVILIZATION +% +CALL IN SICK +% +TWENTYNOTHING +% +GOAT-BOY +% +My dad's a cop too, +couldja let me go now? +% +KEEP MUSIC EVIL +% +FUCK FAST FOOD +% +ORGASMS ARE GOOD +% +BREAK SOME LAWS +% +STAMP OUT REALITY +% +LIVE THE CHAOS +% +WE'RE ALL PERVERTS +% +UNEMPLOYABLE +% +LEGALIZE YOURSELF +% +T.V. CASUALTY +% +BE NOT HALF-ASSED +% +ANNOY THE BORING +% +PUNK ROCK GIRL +% +GOD MASTURBATES +% +DIE MTV DIE +% +I AM A POSEUR +% +TOUCH ME I'M SICK +% +ANTI-FASHION +% +PIGS VS. PEOPLE +% +NOT OF THIS EARTH +% +DRUGS SUCK ALOT +% +Sex with you would suck. +% +I'm killing the Earth! +% +I guess I was punk once. +% +i represent + GOD + you fuck +% +My world is cold +and without hope. +% +GIMME GIMME +FOOD STAMPS +% +THIS ISN'T ME +% +FUCK DECAF +% +DEFEATED +% +Blow up Disneyland. +% +California is overrated. +% +UNAMERICAN +% +I AM CONFUSED +% +SEX TOYS ROCK +% +GO FUCKING PRAY +% +NATURE IS PISSED +% +FUGAZIFY YOURSELF +% +I'M IN SCENESTER HELL +% +RESIST DESPAIR +% +EVIL WILL TRIUMPH +% +FUCK YOUR LAME ADS +% +RACE MIXING IS COOL +% +EMBRACE VIOLENCE +% +AMERICAN WASTE +% +FUCKING HOSTILE +% +SEIZE LIBERTY +% +DESTROY WHAT + BORES YOU + ON SIGHT +% +FUCK YEAH I'M WEIRD +% +FUCK CENSORSHIP +% +WE'RE NOT DUMB +% +DEMAND JUSTICE +% +FREAK PRIDE +% +CULT MEMBER +% +CONFORMIST +REVOLUTION +% +FUCK SHIT UP +% +DON'T LET ME FAIL +% +GROOVE MATTERS +% +SURVIVE Y2K SOMEHOW +% +TAX THE RICH +% +MAKE YUPPIES SUFFER +% +GET A JOB JUNKIE +% +ARM THE HOMELESS +% +BOYCOTT GEN-X CRAP +% +GODLESS COMMIE SCUM +% +I STILL BELIEVE +% +SCARE THE SQUARE +% +I AM A BAD ASS +% +UNLEASH INFINITY +% +ESTROGEN POWER +% +HEDONISM NOW! +% +SOMEBODY DOSE ME +% +REAGAN WAS WORSE +% +children know everything +% +TRAITOR +% +SINNER +% +UNITY +% +UNDERSTAND +% +GO CORPORATE +% +You LIVE in that head? +% +JUST BE PURE +% +PIGS SHOULDN'T RULE +% +Go work on your website. +% +America eats its young. +% +LAUGH AT ASSHOLES +% +PEOPLE ARE MIRACLES +% +DESTINATION UNKNOWN +% +HEAL YOUR FUCKERS +% +CONSIDER SOBREITY +% +INHERIT THE EARTH +% +DROP THE ATTITUDE +% +ALL POLITICIANS LIE +% +GOTTA LOVE HOTTIES +% +what's stopping you? +% +IMPEACH 'EM ALL +% +HOOK ME UP BABY +% +i'm so fucking beautiful +% +SO MANY FEELINGS +% +QUIT BEING PASSIVE +% +GO BEYOND COMFORT +% +STOP LIVING LIKE VEAL +% +ask me about my pain +% +OVERTHROW THAT SHIT +% +BORN TO CHILL +% +Whose future is it, anyway? +% +This is a nation of whores. +% +YOUR KIDS ARE TRIPPING +% +FUCK ALL PREJUDICE +% +SHHHHHH. LISTEN. +% +FIGHT FAT PHOBIA +% +VICTORY OVER HORSESHIT +% +everyone is a prostitute +% +DON'T STOP BELIEVING +% +YOU'RE BISEXUAL +% +MINIMIZE BAD THINGS +% +YOU'RE MY RELIGION +% +I WORSHIP YOU +% +MY MACINTOSH RULES +% +CHEER UP EMO KID +% +LIVE FREE OR DIE +% +TELEVISION IS TORTURE +% +BRING THAT BEAT BACK +% +HUG A REVOLUTIONARY +% +DON'T FEAR THE REAPER +% +SHOW ME THE WAY +% +I CAN MAKE YOU GOD +% +WOMEN TAKE OVER +% +SO FUCKING DEEP +% +WHY OBEY MORONS? diff --git a/include/sys/endian.h b/include/sys/endian.h new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1898a52 --- /dev/null +++ b/include/sys/endian.h @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ +/* sys/endian.h - bsd-games compatibility with NetBSD (not + * a complete emulation). + * + * Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. + * All rights reserved. + * + * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + * are met: + * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + * 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products + * derived from this software without specific prior written permission. + * + * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR + * IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES + * OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. + * IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, + * INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, + * BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; + * LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED + * AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, + * OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY + * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF + * SUCH DAMAGE. + */ + +#include +#include +#include +#include + +#if __BYTE_ORDER == __BIG_ENDIAN +#ifndef be16toh +#define be16toh(x) ((u_int16_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef htobe16 +#define htobe16(x) ((u_int16_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef be32toh +#define be32toh(x) ((u_int32_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef htobe32 +#define htobe32(x) ((u_int32_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef be64toh +#define be64toh(x) ((u_int64_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef htobe64 +#define htobe64(x) ((u_int64_t)(x)) +#endif +#ifndef BE16TOH +#define BE16TOH(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE16 +#define HTOBE16(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#ifndef BE32TOH +#define BE32TOH(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE32 +#define HTOBE32(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#ifndef BE64TOH +#define BE64TOH(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE64 +#define HTOBE64(x) ((void)0) +#endif +#else /* little-endian */ +#ifndef be16toh +#define be16toh(x) ((u_int16_t)ntohs((u_int16_t)(x))) +#endif +#ifndef htobe16 +#define htobe16(x) ((u_int16_t)htons((u_int16_t)(x))) +#endif +#ifndef be32toh +#define be32toh(x) ((u_int32_t)ntohl((u_int32_t)(x))) +#endif +#ifndef htobe32 +#define htobe32(x) ((u_int32_t)htonl((u_int32_t)(x))) +#endif +#ifndef be64toh +#ifdef __bswap_64 /* glibc */ +#define be64toh(x) ((u_int64_t)__bswap_64((u_int64_t)(x))) +#else /* no __bswap_64 */ +#ifdef __swab64 /* Linux kernel headers (libc5, at least with kernel 2.2) */ +#define be64toh(x) ((u_int64_t)__swab64((u_int64_t)(x))) +#else /* no __bswap_64 or __swab64 */ +static __inline__ u_int64_t be64toh(u_int64_t __x); +static __inline__ u_int64_t be64toh(u_int64_t __x) { return (((u_int64_t)be32toh(__x & (u_int64_t)0xFFFFFFFFULL)) << 32) | ((u_int64_t)be32toh((__x & (u_int64_t)0xFFFFFFFF00000000ULL) >> 32)); } +#define be64toh(x) be64toh((x)) +#endif /* no __bswap_64 or __swab64 */ +#endif /* no __bswap_64 */ +#endif /* no be64toh */ +#ifndef htobe64 +#define htobe64(x) be64toh(x) +#endif +#ifndef BE16TOH +#define BE16TOH(x) ((x) = be16toh((x))) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE16 +#define HTOBE16(x) ((x) = htobe16((x))) +#endif +#ifndef BE32TOH +#define BE32TOH(x) ((x) = be32toh((x))) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE32 +#define HTOBE32(x) ((x) = htobe32((x))) +#endif +#ifndef BE64TOH +#define BE64TOH(x) ((x) = be64toh((x))) +#endif +#ifndef HTOBE64 +#define HTOBE64(x) ((x) = htobe64((x))) +#endif +#endif /* little-endian */ diff --git a/robots/auto.c b/robots/auto.c new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0a15bf --- /dev/null +++ b/robots/auto.c @@ -0,0 +1,388 @@ +/* $NetBSD: auto.c,v 1.4 1999/09/08 21:17:56 jsm Exp $ */ + +/*- + * Copyright (c) 1999 The NetBSD Foundation, Inc. + * All rights reserved. + * + * This code is derived from software contributed to The NetBSD Foundation + * by Christos Zoulas. + * + * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without + * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions + * are met: + * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright + * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. + * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright + * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the + * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. + * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software + * must display the following acknowledgement: + * This product includes software developed by the NetBSD + * Foundation, Inc. and its contributors. + * 4. Neither the name of The NetBSD Foundation nor the names of its + * contributors may be used to endorse or promote products derived + * from this software without specific prior written permission. + * + * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE NETBSD FOUNDATION, INC. AND CONTRIBUTORS + * ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED + * TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR + * PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE FOUNDATION OR CONTRIBUTORS + * BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR + * CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF + * SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS + * INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN + * CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) + * ARISING IN ANY WAY OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE + * POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. + */ + +/* + * Automatic move. + * intelligent ? + * Algo : + * IF scrapheaps don't exist THEN + * IF not in danger THEN + * stay at current position; + * ELSE move away from the closest robot; + * FI + * ELSE + * find closest heap; + * find closest robot; + * IF scrapheap is adjacenHEN + * move behind the scrapheap + * ELSE + * move away from the closest robot + * FI + * ELSE + * take the move that takes you away from the + * robots and closest to the heap + * FI + * FI + */ +#include "robots.h" + +#define ABS(a) (((a)>0)?(a):-(a)) +#define MIN(a,b) (((a)>(b))?(b):(a)) +#define MAX(a,b) (((a)<(b))?(b):(a)) + +#define CONSDEBUG(a) + +static int distance __P((int, int, int, int)); +static int xinc __P((int)); +static int yinc __P((int)); +static const char *find_moves __P((void)); +static COORD *closest_robot __P((int *)); +static COORD *closest_heap __P((int *)); +static char move_towards __P((int, int)); +static char move_away __P((COORD *)); +static char move_between __P((COORD *, COORD *)); +static int between __P((COORD *, COORD *)); + +/* distance(): + * return "move" number distance of the two coordinates + */ +static int +distance(x1, y1, x2, y2) + int x1, y1, x2, y2; +{ + return MAX(ABS(ABS(x1) - ABS(x2)), ABS(ABS(y1) - ABS(y2))); +} /* end distance */ + +/* xinc(): + * Return x coordinate moves + */ +static int +xinc(dir) + int dir; +{ + switch(dir) { + case 'b': + case 'h': + case 'y': + return -1; + case 'l': + case 'n': + case 'u': + return 1; + case 'j': + case 'k': + default: + return 0; + } +} + +/* yinc(): + * Return y coordinate moves + */ +static int +yinc(dir) + int dir; +{ + switch(dir) { + case 'k': + case 'u': + case 'y': + return -1; + case 'b': + case 'j': + case 'n': + return 1; + case 'h': + case 'l': + default: + return 0; + } +} + +/* find_moves(): + * Find possible moves + */ +static const char * +find_moves() +{ + int x, y; + COORD test; + const char *m; + char *a; + static const char moves[] = ".hjklyubn"; + static char ans[sizeof moves]; + a = ans; + + for(m = moves; *m; m++) { + test.x = My_pos.x + xinc(*m); + test.y = My_pos.y + yinc(*m); + move(test.y, test.x); + switch(winch(stdscr)) { + case ' ': + case PLAYER: + for(x = test.x - 1; x <= test.x + 1; x++) { + for(y = test.y - 1; y <= test.y + 1; y++) { + move(y, x); + if(winch(stdscr) == ROBOT) + goto bad; + } + } + *a++ = *m; + } + bad:; + } + *a = 0; + if(ans[0]) + return ans; + else + return "t"; +} + +/* closest_robot(): + * return the robot closest to us + * and put in dist its distance + */ +static COORD * +closest_robot(dist) + int *dist; +{ + COORD *rob, *end, *minrob = NULL; + int tdist, mindist; + + mindist = 1000000; + end = &Robots[MAXROBOTS]; + for (rob = Robots; rob < end; rob++) { + tdist = distance(My_pos.x, My_pos.y, rob->x, rob->y); + if (tdist < mindist) { + minrob = rob; + mindist = tdist; + } + } + *dist = mindist; + return minrob; +} /* end closest_robot */ + +/* closest_heap(): + * return the heap closest to us + * and put in dist its distance + */ +static COORD * +closest_heap(dist) + int *dist; +{ + COORD *hp, *end, *minhp = NULL; + int mindist, tdist; + + mindist = 1000000; + end = &Scrap[MAXROBOTS]; + for (hp = Scrap; hp < end; hp++) { + if (hp->x == 0 && hp->y == 0) + break; + tdist = distance(My_pos.x, My_pos.y, hp->x, hp->y); + if (tdist < mindist) { + minhp = hp; + mindist = tdist; + } + } + *dist = mindist; + return minhp; +} /* end closest_heap */ + +/* move_towards(): + * move as close to the given direction as possible + */ +static char +move_towards(dx, dy) + int dx, dy; +{ + char ok_moves[10], best_move; + char *ptr; + int move_judge, cur_judge, mvx, mvy; + + (void)strcpy(ok_moves, find_moves()); + best_move = ok_moves[0]; + if (best_move != 'F') { + mvx = xinc(best_move); + mvy = yinc(best_move); + move_judge = ABS(mvx - dx) + ABS(mvy - dy); + for (ptr = &ok_moves[1]; *ptr != '\0'; ptr++) { + mvx = xinc(*ptr); + mvy = yinc(*ptr); + cur_judge = ABS(mvx - dx) + ABS(mvy - dy); + if (cur_judge < move_judge) { + move_judge = cur_judge; + best_move = *ptr; + } + } + } + return best_move; +} /* end move_towards */ + +/* move_away(): + * move away form the robot given + */ +static char +move_away(rob) + COORD *rob; +{ + int dx, dy; + + dx = sign(My_pos.x - rob->x); + dy = sign(My_pos.y - rob->y); + return move_towards(dx, dy); +} /* end move_away */ + + +/* move_between(): + * move the closest heap between us and the closest robot + */ +static char +move_between(rob, hp) + COORD *rob; + COORD *hp; +{ + int dx, dy; + float slope, cons; + + /* equation of the line between us and the closest robot */ + if (My_pos.x == rob->x) { + /* + * me and the robot are aligned in x + * change my x so I get closer to the heap + * and my y far from the robot + */ + dx = - sign(My_pos.x - hp->x); + dy = sign(My_pos.y - rob->y); + CONSDEBUG(("aligned in x")); + } + else if (My_pos.y == rob->y) { + /* + * me and the robot are aligned in y + * change my y so I get closer to the heap + * and my x far from the robot + */ + dx = sign(My_pos.x - rob->x); + dy = -sign(My_pos.y - hp->y); + CONSDEBUG(("aligned in y")); + } + else { + CONSDEBUG(("no aligned")); + slope = (My_pos.y - rob->y) / (My_pos.x - rob->x); + cons = slope * rob->y; + if (ABS(My_pos.x - rob->x) > ABS(My_pos.y - rob->y)) { + /* + * we are closest to the robot in x + * move away from the robot in x and + * close to the scrap in y + */ + dx = sign(My_pos.x - rob->x); + dy = sign(((slope * ((float) hp->x)) + cons) - + ((float) hp->y)); + } + else { + dx = sign(((slope * ((float) hp->x)) + cons) - + ((float) hp->y)); + dy = sign(My_pos.y - rob->y); + } + } + CONSDEBUG(("me (%d,%d) robot(%d,%d) heap(%d,%d) delta(%d,%d)", + My_pos.x, My_pos.y, rob->x, rob->y, hp->x, hp->y, dx, dy)); + return move_towards(dx, dy); +} /* end move_between */ + +/* between(): + * Return true if the heap is between us and the robot + */ +int +between(rob, hp) + COORD *rob; + COORD *hp; +{ + /* I = @ */ + if (hp->x > rob->x && My_pos.x < rob->x) + return 0; + /* @ = I */ + if (hp->x < rob->x && My_pos.x > rob->x) + return 0; + /* @ */ + /* = */ + /* I */ + if (hp->y < rob->y && My_pos.y > rob->y) + return 0; + /* I */ + /* = */ + /* @ */ + if (hp->y > rob->y && My_pos.y < rob->y) + return 0; + return 1; +} /* end between */ + +/* automove(): + * find and do the best move if flag + * else get the first move; + */ +char +automove() +{ +#if 0 + return find_moves()[0]; +#else + COORD *robot_close; + COORD *heap_close; + int robot_dist, robot_heap, heap_dist; + + robot_close = closest_robot(&robot_dist); + if (robot_dist > 1) + return('.'); + if (!Num_scrap) + /* no scrap heaps just run away */ + return move_away(robot_close); + + heap_close = closest_heap(&heap_dist); + robot_heap = distance(robot_close->x, robot_close->y, + heap_close->x, heap_close->y); + if (robot_heap <= heap_dist && !between(robot_close, heap_close)) { + /* + * robot is closest to us from the heap. Run away! + */ + return move_away(robot_close); + } + + return move_between(robot_close, heap_close); +#endif +} /* end automove */ diff --git a/substfiles2 b/substfiles2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1f8fe1 --- /dev/null +++ b/substfiles2 @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +# substfiles2 - list of files in which parameters are to be substituted. +# These ones get substituted during the make process. +# +# Copyright (c) 1997, 1998, 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. +# +atc/atc.6 +backgammon/backgammon/backgammon.6 +caesar/rot13 +canfield/canfield/canfield.6 +cribbage/cribbage.6 +dm/dm.8 +dm/dm.conf.5 +fortune/fortune/fortune.6 +hangman/hangman.6 +hunt/hunt/hunt.6 +hunt/huntd/huntd.6 +monop/monop.6 +quiz/datfiles/index +quiz/quiz.6 +robots/robots.6 +rogue/rogue.6 +snake/snake/snake.6 +tetris/tetris.6 +trek/trek.6 +wtf/wtf.6 +wtf/wtf diff --git a/substscr b/substscr new file mode 100755 index 0000000..35ae97b --- /dev/null +++ b/substscr @@ -0,0 +1,96 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# substscr - substitute parameters to create a file from a .in. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +# First argument is some combination of: +# r to generate makefile rules +# g to generate the file in question + +# Second argument gives the style of comment: +# c for C comment +# h for generic # comment +# m for manpage comment +# n for none +# s for shell comment + +# Third argument is the source file. + +# Fourth argument is the target file. + +# The target gets its permissions from the source. + +set -e + +if [ $# != 4 ]; then + echo "usage: $0 action comment-style source target" >&2 + exit 1 +fi + +action="$1" +style="$2" +source="$3" +target="$4" + +if echo $action |grep -q g; then + echo "Generating $target from $source" + rm -f $target + cp "$source" "$target" # set permissions + + case "$style" in + (c) + echo "/* Automatically generated from $source. Do not edit. */" >"$target" + ;; + (h) + echo "# Automatically generated from $source. Do not edit." >"$target" + ;; + (m) + echo ".\\\" Automatically generated from $source. Do not edit." >"$target" + ;; + (n) + : >"$target" + ;; + (s) + echo "#!/bin/sh" >"$target" + echo "# Automatically generated from $source. Do not edit." >>"$target" + ;; + (*) + echo "$0: unknown comment style $style" >&2 + exit 1 + esac + + sed -f subst.sed <"$source" >>"$target" +fi + +if echo $action |grep -q r; then + # Append to subst.rules. + cat >>subst.rules <test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/bcd.foo +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +bcd/bcd "foo bar" >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/bcd.foobar +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +bcd/bcd >test.out 2>&1 <test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/bcd.fooxbar +rm -f test.out + +testno 5 +bcd/bcd >test.out 2>&1 <test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/caesar.constout +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +caesar/caesar 21 test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/caesar.constout +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/common b/tests/common new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ec2287 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/common @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# tests/common - common functions for bsd-games testsuite. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +# testexec game executable +testexec () { + testgame="$1" + if [ -x "$2" ]; then + true + else + exit 0 + fi +} + +testno () { + printf "%s" "$testgame test $1... " +} + +failtest () { + echo "FAIL" + exit 1 +} + +compare () { + if cmp -s "$1" "$2"; then + echo "PASS" + else + failtest + fi +} diff --git a/tests/factor.123456 b/tests/factor.123456 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c4a84d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/factor.123456 @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +123: 3 41 +456: 2 2 2 3 19 diff --git a/tests/factor.123456789 b/tests/factor.123456789 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dba255 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/factor.123456789 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +123456789: 3 3 3607 3803 diff --git a/tests/factor.987654321 b/tests/factor.987654321 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c105d01 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/factor.987654321 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +987654321: 3 3 17 17 379721 diff --git a/tests/factor.test b/tests/factor.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7540aa8 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/factor.test @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# tests/factor.test - test functionality of factor. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec factor factor/factor + +testno 1 +factor/factor 123456789 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/factor.123456789 +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +factor/factor 987654321 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/factor.987654321 +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +factor/factor 123 456 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/factor.123456 +rm -f test.out + +testno 4 +factor/factor <test.out 2>&1 || failtest +123 +456 +EOF +compare test.out tests/factor.123456 +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/morse.SOS b/tests/morse.SOS new file mode 100644 index 0000000..22e6d98 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/morse.SOS @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + ..., + ---, + ..., diff --git a/tests/morse.foo b/tests/morse.foo new file mode 100644 index 0000000..96556d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/morse.foo @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + dit dit daw dit, + daw daw daw, + daw daw daw, diff --git a/tests/morse.sos b/tests/morse.sos new file mode 100644 index 0000000..77ef9f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/morse.sos @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +sos diff --git a/tests/morse.test b/tests/morse.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..90d26fc --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/morse.test @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# morse.test - test functionality of morse. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec morse morse/morse + +# morse is somewhat broken and should probably be replaced with the +# OpenBSD version. This limits the tests we can do until we fix it. + +testno 1 +morse/morse foo >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/morse.foo +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +morse/morse -s SOS >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/morse.SOS +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +morse/morse -d test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/morse.sos +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/number.-0.1 b/tests/number.-0.1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fea1e89 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/number.-0.1 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +minus +one. +tenths. diff --git a/tests/number.123456 b/tests/number.123456 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a3681b --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/number.123456 @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +one hundred twenty-three thousand. +four hundred fifty-six. diff --git a/tests/number.987654321 b/tests/number.987654321 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8de4c90 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/number.987654321 @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +nine hundred eighty-seven million. +six hundred fifty-four thousand. +three hundred twenty-one. diff --git a/tests/number.test b/tests/number.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..74d78d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/number.test @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# number.test - test functionality of number. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec number number/number + +testno 1 +number/number -- -0.1 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/number.-0.1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +number/number 123456 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/number.123456 +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +number/number -- 987654321 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/number.987654321 +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/pig.test b/tests/pig.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ab589cd --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pig.test @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# pig.test - test functionality of pig. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec pig pig/pig + +testno 1 +echo "This is a test." |pig/pig >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pig.test1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +echo "Is this a test?" |pig/pig >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pig.test2 +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +echo "IS THIS A TEST?" |pig/pig >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pig.test3 +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/pig.test1 b/tests/pig.test1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff15882 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pig.test1 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Isthay isway away esttay. diff --git a/tests/pig.test2 b/tests/pig.test2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06169ed --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pig.test2 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Isway isthay away esttay? diff --git a/tests/pig.test3 b/tests/pig.test3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21eb173 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pig.test3 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +ISWAY ISTHAY AWAY ESTTAY? diff --git a/tests/pom.1998fm1 b/tests/pom.1998fm1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b680dc --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998fm1 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Mon 1998 Jan 12 17:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was Full diff --git a/tests/pom.1998fm2 b/tests/pom.1998fm2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6dd2d5e --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998fm2 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Wed 1998 Nov 4 05:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was Full diff --git a/tests/pom.1998fq1 b/tests/pom.1998fq1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d4b18c --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998fq1 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Mon 1998 Jan 5 14:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was at the First Quarter diff --git a/tests/pom.1998fq2 b/tests/pom.1998fq2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bdc166a --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998fq2 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Wed 1998 Oct 28 12:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was at the First Quarter diff --git a/tests/pom.1998lq1 b/tests/pom.1998lq1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5676f31 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998lq1 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Tue 1998 Jan 20 20:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was at the Last Quarter diff --git a/tests/pom.1998lq2 b/tests/pom.1998lq2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..644f03e --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998lq2 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Wed 1998 Nov 11 00:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was at the Last Quarter diff --git a/tests/pom.1998nm1 b/tests/pom.1998nm1 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a32d014 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998nm1 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Wed 1998 Jan 28 06:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was New diff --git a/tests/pom.1998nm2 b/tests/pom.1998nm2 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6742990 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.1998nm2 @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Tue 1998 Oct 20 10:00:00 (UTC): The Moon was New diff --git a/tests/pom.test b/tests/pom.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..01aff41 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/pom.test @@ -0,0 +1,84 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# pom.test - test functionality of pom. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec pom pom/pom + +# Test dates from Astronomical Almanac 1998, rounded to nearest hour. +# Should add dates from other years. + +# We should also test the fraction illuminated given by the program, but +# it isn't really accurate enough to do this reliably and the Astronomical +# Almanac only gives these figures to 2 decimal places (like pom) so I don't +# know which are border cases and which are good tests. + +export TZ=UTC0 + +testno 1 +pom/pom 1998010514 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998fq1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +pom/pom 1998011217 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998fm1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +pom/pom 1998012020 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998lq1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 4 +pom/pom 1998012806 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998nm1 +rm -f test.out + +testno 5 +pom/pom 1998102010 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998nm2 +rm -f test.out + +testno 6 +pom/pom 1998102812 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998fq2 +rm -f test.out + +testno 7 +pom/pom 1998110405 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998fm2 +rm -f test.out + +testno 8 +pom/pom 1998111100 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/pom.1998lq2 +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/ppt.Foobarnl b/tests/ppt.Foobarnl new file mode 100644 index 0000000..00b098c --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/ppt.Foobarnl @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +___________ +| o .oo | +| oo o.ooo| +| oo o.ooo| +| o . | +| oo . o | +| oo . o| +| ooo . o | +| o. o | +___________ diff --git a/tests/ppt.foobar b/tests/ppt.foobar new file mode 100644 index 0000000..be77efa --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/ppt.foobar @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +___________ +| oo .oo | +| oo o.ooo| +| oo o.ooo| +| o . | +| oo . o | +| oo . o| +| ooo . o | +___________ diff --git a/tests/ppt.test b/tests/ppt.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..45249a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/ppt.test @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# ppt.test - test functionality of ppt. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec ppt ppt/ppt + +testno 1 +ppt/ppt "foo bar" >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/ppt.foobar +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +ppt/ppt foo bar >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/ppt.foobar +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +echo "Foo bar" |ppt/ppt >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/ppt.Foobarnl +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/primes.100 b/tests/primes.100 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..afc67fd --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/primes.100 @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +2 +3 +5 +7 +11 +13 +17 +19 +23 +29 +31 +37 +41 +43 +47 +53 +59 +61 +67 +71 +73 +79 +83 +89 +97 diff --git a/tests/primes.1e6 b/tests/primes.1e6 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ee7564 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/primes.1e6 @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +1000003 +1000033 +1000037 +1000039 +1000081 +1000099 +1000117 +1000121 +1000133 +1000151 +1000159 +1000171 +1000183 +1000187 +1000193 +1000199 +1000211 +1000213 +1000231 +1000249 +1000253 +1000273 +1000289 +1000291 diff --git a/tests/primes.1e9 b/tests/primes.1e9 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6f119d --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/primes.1e9 @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +1000000007 +1000000009 +1000000021 +1000000033 +1000000087 +1000000093 +1000000097 +1000000103 +1000000123 +1000000181 +1000000207 +1000000223 +1000000241 +1000000271 +1000000289 +1000000297 diff --git a/tests/primes.test b/tests/primes.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c77e5c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/primes.test @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# primes.test - test functionality of primes. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec primes primes/primes + +testno 1 +primes/primes 1 100 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/primes.100 +rm -f test.out + +testno 2 +primes/primes 1000000 1000300 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/primes.1e6 +rm -f test.out + +testno 3 +primes/primes 1000000000 1000000300 >test.out 2>&1 || failtest +compare test.out tests/primes.1e9 +rm -f test.out diff --git a/tests/rot13.FooBar b/tests/rot13.FooBar new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f04e44e --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/rot13.FooBar @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Sbb +One diff --git a/tests/rot13.foo b/tests/rot13.foo new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f82bed7 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/rot13.foo @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +sbb diff --git a/tests/rot13.test b/tests/rot13.test new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3c947b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/tests/rot13.test @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# rot13.test - test functionality of rot13. +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +set -e + +. tests/common + +testexec rot13 caesar/rot13 + +testno 1 +caesar/rot13 >test.out 2>&1 <test.out 2>&1 < diff --git a/wtf/Makefrag b/wtf/Makefrag new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1d787b --- /dev/null +++ b/wtf/Makefrag @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ +# Makefrag - makefile fragment for wtf +# +# Copyright (c) 1999 Joseph Samuel Myers. +# All rights reserved. +# +# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without +# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions +# are met: +# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. +# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright +# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the +# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. +# 3. The name of the author may not be used to endorse or promote products +# derived from this software without specific prior written permission. +# +# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR ``AS IS'' AND ANY EXPRESS OR +# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES +# OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE ARE DISCLAIMED. +# IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, +# INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES (INCLUDING, +# BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS OR SERVICES; +# LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) HOWEVER CAUSED +# AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT LIABILITY, +# OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY +# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF +# SUCH DAMAGE. + +wtf_DIRS := $(GAMESDIR) $(MAN6DIR) $(shell dirname $(WTF_ACRONYMFILE)) + +wtf_all: wtf/wtf wtf/wtf.6 + +wtf_install: wtf_all + $(INSTALL_SCRIPT) wtf/wtf $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(GAMESDIR)/wtf + $(HIDE_GAME) wtf + $(INSTALL_DATA) wtf/acronyms $(INSTALL_PREFIX)$(WTF_ACRONYMFILE) + $(INSTALL_MANUAL) wtf/wtf.6 diff --git a/wtf/acronyms b/wtf/acronyms new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f22ccac --- /dev/null +++ b/wtf/acronyms @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ +$NetBSD: acronyms,v 1.40 1999/09/16 12:47:31 kleink Exp $ + +AFAICR as far as I can recall +AFAICT as far as I can tell +AFAIK as far as I know +AFAIR as far as I recall +AFK away from keyboard +ASAP as soon as possible +BBL [I'll] be back later +BBS be back soon +BFD big fucking deal +BIAB back in a bit +BIAF back in a few +BIAS back in a second +BIAW back in a while +BRB [I'll] be right back +BTTH butt to the head +BTW by the way +CMIIW correct me if I'm wrong +CNP continued [in my] next post +DNDK don't know, don't care +DTRT do the right thing +DTWT do the wrong thing +DWIM do what I mean +EG evil grin +EMSG email message +ETLA extended three letter acronym +FSDO for some definition of +FUBAR fucked up beyond all recognition +FUD fear, uncertianty and doubt +FWIW for what it's worth +FYI for your information +G grin +GMTA great minds think alike +HHIS hanging head in shame +HTH hope this helps +IANAL I am not a lawyer +IIANM if I am not mistaken +IIRC if I recall correctly +IMCO in my considered opinion +IMHO in my humble opinion +IMNSHO in my not so humble opinion +IMO in my opinion +IOW in other words +IRL in real life +ISTM it seems to me +ISTR I seem to recall +JMO just my opinion +JTLYK just to let you know +KISS keep it simple, stupid +L8R later +LMSO laughing my socks off +LOL laughing out loud +LTNS long time no see +MTF more to follow +MYOB mind your own business +NFC no fucking clue +NFI no fucking idea +NIH not invented here +NRN no reply necessary +OIC oh, I see +OTOH on the other hand +OTTOMH off the top of my head +PITA pain in the ass +PPL pretty please +RL real life +ROTFL rolling on the floor laughing +RTFB read the fine book +RTFM read the fine manual +RTFMP read the fine man page +RTFS read the fine source +SEP someone else's problem +SFA sweet fuck all +SHID slaps head in disgust +SMLSFB So many losers, so few bullets +SMOP simple matter of programming +SNAFU situation normal, all fucked up +SNERT Snot-Nosed egotistical rude teenager +SO significant other +SOL shit out [of] luck +TIA thanks in advance +TLA three letter acronym +TMI too much information +TTFN ta ta for now +TYVM thank you very much +UTSL use the source, Luke +VEG very evil grin +WTF {what,where,who,why} the fuck +WTH {what,where,who,why} the hell +YKWIM you know what I mean +YMMV your mileage may vary diff --git a/wtf/wtf.6.in b/wtf/wtf.6.in new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f313b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/wtf/wtf.6.in @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ +.\" $NetBSD: wtf.6,v 1.3 1999/07/25 20:29:04 briggs Exp $ +.\" +.\" Public Domain +.\" +.Dd July 21, 1999 +.Dt WTF 6 +.Os +.Sh NAME +.Nm wtf +.Nd translates acronyms for you +.Sh SYNOPSIS +.Nm +.Op Ar is +.Ar acronym Ar ... +.Sh DESCRIPTION +The +.Nm +utility displays the expansion of the acronyms +specified on the command line. If the acronym is unknown, +.Nm +will check to see if the acronym is known by the +.Xr whatis 1 +command. +.Pp +If +.Dq is +is specified on the command line, it will be ignored, allowing the +fairly natural +.Dq wtf is WTF +usage. +.Sh ENVIRONMENT +.Bl -tag -width ACRONYMDB +.It Ev ACRONYMDB +The default acronym database may be overridden by setting the +environment variable +.Ev ACRONYMDB +to the name of a file in the proper format (acronym[tab]meaning). +.El +.Sh FILES +.Bl -tag -width @wtf_acronymfile@ -compact +.It Pa @wtf_acronymfile@ +default acronym database. +.El +.Sh SEE ALSO +.Xr whatis 1 +.Sh HISTORY +.Nm +first appeared in +.Nx 1.5 . diff --git a/wtf/wtf.in b/wtf/wtf.in new file mode 100755 index 0000000..aa1e369 --- /dev/null +++ b/wtf/wtf.in @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +#!/bin/sh +# +# $NetBSD: wtf,v 1.5 1999/08/13 03:02:06 sommerfeld Exp $ +# +# Public domain +# + +acronyms=${ACRONYMDB:-@wtf_acronymfile@} + +if [ X"$1" = X"is" ] ; then + shift +fi + +if [ $# -lt 1 ] ; then + echo "Usage: $0 [is] " +fi + +rv=0 +while [ $# -gt 0 ] ; do + target=`echo $1 | tr '[a-z]' '[A-Z]'` + ans=`sed -ne "/^$target[[:space:]]/s/^$target[[:space:]]*//p" \ + < $acronyms 2>/dev/null` + if [ "$ans" != "" ] ; then + echo "$target: $ans" + else + ans=`whatis $1 2> /dev/null | egrep "^$1[, ]" 2> /dev/null` + if [ $? -eq 0 ] ; then + echo "$1: $ans" + else + echo "Gee... I don't know what $1 means..." 1>&2 + rv=1 + fi + fi + shift +done +exit $rv